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Do Gay Guys Have a Problem Dating Men Their Own Age?

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gay guys scared to date men their own age

Is there an Age Gap for LOVE?

It’s no secret that gay guys are visual creatures. We love youth, vitality, beauty and strength—it’s in advertisements, our dating habits and in our very culture. Rarely do we realize how toxic it can be until one night we turn a corner and realize that we missed our chance.

Last week it hit me—I’m 28-years old, have never had a boyfriend and am constantly telling friends, “Psh… I don’t care. I love being single.” I usually turn silent and try to let awkward turtle waddle away, but this time it sunk faster than a barbell.

The last four guys I could have been serious with were at least five years younger than I was (a sensible number, but still a big difference). It wasn’t until a friend pointed it out that I began to see I wasn’t the only one.

I know countless of gay guys in their 50s who are single because guys their age choose not to date them (I asked), and young guys today aren’t helping—many of them love dating up. In fact, they prefer it.

I’m all for not putting a number on love. At the end of the day we all know age doesn’t matter, but are we getting into the habit of not even giving guys our age a chance? Have we gotten used to only considering guys in their early twenties as dateable?

I’m only 28 and am starting to see a pattern here. I can only imagine what might happen when I get into my 30s, 40s and 50s. Even Graham Norton, a totally dateable hilarious funny all-round attractive gay guys agrees:

“Well, I’m 52,” Norton said in an interview with The Mail, “and I’m single and on some level, I feel like I’ve failed because by the time you’re my age, you really should be settled. But then I look at the relationships people around me have and I find myself asking, ‘Really? That doesn’t look like winning to me.’ I’ve reached the point that when people ask [if I’m] single at the moment, I say ‘Come on, you can drop the ‘at the moment’.’ I’m single forever. That’s the weird thing. Gay men my age don’t want to date someone their age.”

Are we desperately trying to turn our fantasies into reality?

For years I was able to differentiate between eye-candy and the real world. I was able to look at a 20-year old and say, “Wow. He’s really hot. Too young for me, though.” Now I’m willing to be more negotiable—am I trying to relive my youth, am I trying to bring a fantasy to life, or am I placing myself on an unrealistic standard?

The truth is I don’t know why.

Our culture is so strange—beautiful, but strange. While we strive for perfection, rarely do we take a step back and ask ourselves what that means. Youth and beauty have nothing to do with perfection, but somehow I can’t help but wonder if the thirst for it has affected our search for love.

You can find love at any age and there are an infinite number of gaps, but is ageism affecting us more than we think? Has it gone from targeting men of a certain to targeting anyone who isn’t in their early twenties?

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Grindr & Tinder are the Target of New AIDS Healthcare Billboard

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AHF-STD-Billboard-gay guys

Who’s to blame: Grindr or the lack of STD awareness?

While gay blogs across the Internet might hint at the fact that hookup apps may or may not be an issue, the AIDS Healthcare Foundation stepped on every eggshell.

A new Los Angeles billboard depicts two couples in silhouette with the words “Tinder,” “chlamydia,” “Grindr,” and “gonorrhea” beside the website FreeSTDCheck.org.

Are hookup apps, in fact, a huge reason for the rise in STDs among millennials?

A survey released by the Community Healthcare Network focused on men who have sex with men using hookup apps—80% of respondents said they were knowledgeable in how the HIV virus was transmitted, 46.4% admitted to having bareback sex always, often or sometimes.

The apps, obviously, aren’t the reason for the rise in STIs, but they may (or may not) create wider opportunities for them to spread. Tinder and Grindr, of course, wasted no time responding to the billboard.

“These unprovoked and wholly unsubstantiated accusations are made to irreparably damage Tinder’s reputation in an attempt to encourage others to take an HIV test by your organization,” Tinder attorney Jonathan Reichman said in a cease and desist latter to AHF.

Grindr also dropped AHF as a paid advertiser, stating “We were surprised at the approach [AHF] took, and paused the campaign in order to speak with them and assess our relationship.”

But while the storm is hot and churning, should we stop and ask ourselves if it’s really a bad thing? On one hand, the ad is promoting STD health awareness (which is great), but on the other hand it might make Grindr & Tinder users feel judged.

Whitney Engeran-Cordova, AHF’s public health division director said: “In many ways, location-based mobile dating apps are becoming a digital bathhouse for millennials wherein the next sexual encounter can literally just be few feet away—as well as the next STD.”

The question is this: who’s to blame, hookup apps or a lack of STD health information? Depending on which it is, you’re sure to end up on the far side of a rather heated discussion.

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Is Penetration Important to Gay Guys?

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is penetration important to gay guys

Sex is one of the most intriguing parts of a committed relationship. Two minds, bodies and souls connecting in such a vulnerable way increase not only the excitement, but the ever-growing trust which is crucial in everyone. But why is it when we think of sex with gay guys, we assume penetration must be involved?

I spoke with 6 gay couples who I knew had fantastic sex lives – they’re always touching, kissing, and whispering erotic things in each others ear. After asking them how often they had penetration, most of them said it’s not on their “must do” list. The majority of them claim they had it much more frequently when their relationship was new, and over time, it became less important.

The general consensus was about 50 – 60% of the time each of these couples had sex, they did NOT have penetration. Though it is a pretty good amount, there is still a lot of non-penetration happening which makes me wonder, how important is it?

Don’t get me wrong. Penetration is fabulous and there are many fantasies tied to it, especially with single men. Hook up apps like Grindr and Scruff are filled with those men seeking only penetration, well, at least a good majority of them. But there’s a flip side to it. Though it is the most intense form of sex, penetration can also be the most unemotional form as well, especially when you are just looking to get off.

In a successful relationship, penetration takes on a different meaning than it used to with gay guys. Of course every couple is different in that there are some who need penetration to satisfy their urges, while others would rather have a sensual experience with penetration not being a top priority.

Top, Bottom, Power Bottom, Versatile and all the other labels we put on ourselves have everything to do with penetration. It’s always in the back of our minds, and more often than not we make important decisions based on these sexual roles. Some men just won’t feel satisfied unless they’re in someone’s body.

Whether penetration happens or not, the real issue here is what lies behind the friction. That is the definitive moment which distinguishes sex, making love, and downright getting nasty. If a couple is in love and all they want to do is express it, then it makes sense why penetration wouldn’t be on top of their to-do list. If someone is Grinding or crawling the bars looking to get off with the first gay guy that shows attention, penetration might be the only thing on their mind.

I’m sure couples who have less interest in 24/7 penetration will tell you the level of intimacy doesn’t depend on the depth of one’s penis inside his partner. It’s true that we’re men, and it’s in men’s bodies to hump like his life depends on it, but the truth is, what we really want is connection. Do gay guys need penetration to have it?

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Why Gay Guys Should Stop Using the Term Straight Acting

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gay guys stop using the term straight acting

Why are we afraid to be QUEER?

“Straight Acting” is a term many gay guys use to make themselves feel less queer. Trust me, I’ve used it plenty of times in my day (I’ve even written articles about it with the term in the title), but as I’m growing up and becoming comfortable with who I am, “straight acting” is turning into a rather serious and harmful term.

Growing up in Texas, it was “queer” that terrified me. As a defense, I centered my identity in a masculine caricature: strong, rough, straight-ish. It was the only protection a sixteen-year old boy had from getting jumped after class.

I was scared of myself, even then. I didn’t want to be outed to the guys in my class, so I acted like them (even though it went completely against my character). The years of pretending to be something I wasn’t suppressed the real me from ever seeing light, which became a habit.

“Queer Boy” and “Faggot” were names I heard daily. Years of trying not to be what they thought I was turned into a chronic fear of anyone and anything that threatened my cool.

Being masculine, being “straight acting,” made me feel superior in a weird way. It made me feel like I was valuable, worthy of representing my fellow gay guys. When I moved to Los Angeles, I thought I’d finally be able to let my hair down and revisit my sixteen-year old self to try and start anew. Instead, I was welcomed to a community dealing with the same fears.

Why are we all afraid to be queer? “Straight acting” has always been a valuable quality to have, but it has never been spoken out loud. It was usually an unwritten obligation (especially in Hollywood). But now we have Grindr, Tinder, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram—all these avenues force us to connect and be straightforward. Suddenly our deepest fears became the best tool we could possibly have asked for.

“Masc for Masc,” “Straight Acting,” “No fems,” “No Blacks/Asians” are all things we’ve seen on Grindr. The gift of anonymity allows gay guys to be honest without fear, therefor giving us freedom to ask for what we truly desire.

But are we doing ourselves an injustice by saying such things?

To say that straight acting gay guys are more appealing to the masses, or higher quality dating material, is to suggest that being queer isn’t adequate enough. What are we teaching LGBT teens if we ourselves are still acting like bullies?

The only reason why a gay man might think a straight acting gay guy is more appealing is because society has brainwashed us into thinking so. You might say, “Well it’s just a matter of taste.” But isn’t taste taught to us first? It begins from somewhere, doesn’t it?

It’s the same idea as body image. It’s a spectrum of attraction, and a masculine gay guy is at the top. Everyone else is politely beneath him. Why?

The term itself is drenched with internalized homophobia.

Whether we call someone “gay acting” or “straight acting,” one thing is almost always guaranteed: “gay” acting is what society tells us not to be, while “straight” acting is usually praised–tell me, when has a standup comedian ever made fun of straight acting people? Once again, acting straight has become the best asset a gay guy can have, and frankly I’m sick of it.

I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to limit myself. I don’t want to filter my thoughts, my body language, my voice in an effort to become a prototype of what the world might deem more attractive.

In a world where artificiality reigns supreme, authenticity becomes more valuable. It’s time we as a community stop convincing ourselves that “Straight Acting” is better. Rid yourself of the labels because the only person you can be is YOU.

Let’s try to be “Self Acting”—not straight acting, gay acting, or any other kind. Clean it away and introduce yourself to a true identity, whatever that may be. Believe me, it’s worth the journey.

 

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Stonewall Tanks At The Box Office…No Gay Pride Here

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Many thought this movie was going to be a great way to educate some of the younger members of the community on how the Stonewall Riots impacted the freedom the LGBT community has today. Unfortunately, that was the case.

The bad reviews came flooding in from a movie that had such potential and has come at such a time when the rights for the LGBT community are at an all time high.

“You have to understand one thing: I didn’t make this movie only for gay people, I made it also for straight people. I kind of found out, in the testing process, that actually, for straight people, [Danny] is a very easy in. Danny’s very straight-acting. He gets mistreated because of that. [Straight audiences] can feel for him.” – Director Roland Emmerich

Did you see the movie? If so, what’s your take?

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Why Falling in Love With a Co-Worker Can Be Dangerous

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gay guys not dating co-workers

My family, who is super business savvy, have always said never to do business with family or friends. Each of us have our own individual source of knowledge, which we pluck from continuously, but only a handful of us has done business with each other. I used to wonder why, until I figured it out the hard way.

Working with your man can either benefit or destroy your relationship—there’s hardly any middle ground. When it plummets, it goes down fast.

I met my ex-boyfriend at work. Since both of us have pride in our professionalism, we chose not to tell anyone about it. It started off innocent at first: light hooking up during the evenings and weekends unbeknownst to our boss, but I soon fell for him faster than expected.

While the weeks flew by, my feelings grew and grew. I assumed he felt the same way about me, after all, we’d been hooking up and sharing lovey (flirty) messages with each other every hour. One night I decided to lay it on the table.

It’d been killing me that I couldn’t express the feelings I had for him publicly, especially since I was starting to fall in love with him. I asked him, “So, I’m really starting to like you a lot. This whole thing we’re doing is fun and all, but the D.L. thing is really starting to bug me. What are you feeling? Do you feel the same about me?”

He looked me in the eye and said, “Honestly. I kind of like you too, but I’m not looking for anything serious.”

While I tried to pretend everything was okay, I was also trying not to show that my heart scurried to the floor and under the bed. I was hurt, but also felt silly that I allowed it to go on for so long.

In a normal circumstance, I could have never spoken to him again (or at least create more space). But given the fact that we worked together, it felt like I was reliving this nightmare morning after morning as I walked in the office.

I’m all for office romance, trust me, I’ve seen it happen successfully time and again. The mistake I made was leaping too soon. I realized after it was all over that all the weeks of crushing over him could have been spent doing work—quality work.

Sometimes office romances can be distracting. Hell, most of the time they’re harmless but only when you yourself decide.

Love is going to appear when you’re ready for it, but sometimes it happens in constricting atmospheres, like work. Given the fact that you work together, you’re instantly going to look at your possibilities with a grain of salt. In other words, you’re going to be more pessimistic about it than optimistic. When a job is at risk, everything else becomes blurred, even if it feels right.

Not all circumstances are going to be like mine, but as someone who’s been there-done that, let me tell you: work is always going to come first even if you think it doesn’t. The next time you start falling for a coworker, be sure you ask yourself if it’s worth it. Sometimes it is, but unfortunately other times it isn’t. There’s always a risk—but like all risks, it can end a number of ways. Think about all of them.

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Is a Quickie Truly Satisfying?

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gay guys quickies

I used to think there were only two kinds of sex: good and bad. But after years of having a lot of it (and I mean a lot), I’ve realized there is an endless amount of sex experiences, including quick kind.

It’s rare for a quickie to be hot as hell, but sometimes it is. For anonymous escapades or come ‘n go scenarios to be enjoyable depends on whether you yourself are willing to limit the possibilities.

Personally I like to take time with my man, but every once in a while, when time isn’t on our side, a quickie is all we have—we might as well make it worth our while.

To be satisfied with a quickie, the other person needs to know what tickles you sexually. A wam-bam-thank you sir may get you off, but will it make you fulfilled?

We’re all so busy nowadays. Everyone is trying to get to the next level of their careers—all our focus is on work, side projects or other moves. Sex seems to be on the bottom of our list, which is why countless of business professionals opt for hookup apps: no attachment, no plans, just a quick NSA hookup.

Back when I had a 9 to 9 job, quickies were all I knew. I was single, busy as hell, and had an active Grindr account. For a guy with my schedule, sex needed to take a backseat. I didn’t have a problem with it, but after awhile, porn became more satisfactory than random hookups. Quickies became boring.

Quickies aren’t only for single people. Now that I have a man, there are plenty of circumstances when we decide to squeeze ten minutes in our schedule for a quick session. Sometimes it’s great, other times it’s not; but it doesn’t matter because we’re doing it together.

It’s easy to make a quickie count with your boyfriend because you already know what he likes. Not that I’m against anonymous sex but unless you’re lucky and end up finding a guy who’s great at everything, it’s likely that it’ll be another boring event.

Quickies are as only as good as they’re planned.

When I plan a quickie, I need to know what we’re doing. Let’s be honest, we’re gay. It’s not like we can have anal sex at the drop of a hat—you need time to prepare (if you can do it at the drop of a hat, I envy you).

Are you going to dry hump? Have oral sex? Maybe a little more?

What you’re lacking in time you need to make up in fantasy. If you ask me, I’d say always leave him wanting more. Sure you might go until you both finish but if you consider the “quickie” being merely an appetizer, then you’re guaranteed for him to return.

You’re never going to be able to achieve everything in five minutes, so stop trying. The whole point is for it to be a snack for the appetite. If you want the whole enchilada, you’re going to need a bit more than a lunch break, honey.

Take it for what it is. Trust me, specificity is key.

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How To Keep ‘WINNING’ At Grindr

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How To WIN On grindr

I think every gay guy under the age of 30 has some kind of Grindr story. I don’t know a single one who doesn’t have pictures of them floating around in the stratosphere – Davey Wavey, I’m talking to you!

Gay guys of the world, stop stressing out over Grindr. We all know what it’s there for so there’s no use in trying to have a highbrow. What we can control, however, is the way we use it. Too many creeps think they’re doing it right, honey. They log on, peruse the network and cry themselves to sleep because they think the world hates them. But trust me, if you want to get luck on Grindr, it’s all in the delivery. Let’s talk about it:

#1) Don’t EVER put “N/A” on everything without having a profile pic.

Who the hell am I talking to, a ghost? Trust me, if you want to communicate with someone on Grindr, you need to give him some bait. I don’t know anyone desperate enough to talk to not only an invisible face, but invisible stats as well. You’re not even giving me enough information to create an imaginary face and body. BYE!

Is It Polite to Ask Someone if He is Gay?

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gay guys asking if you're gay

“Are you gay…?”

When I was nineteen, saying the word “gay” prompted butterflies in my stomach. It was new and magical—rebellious in a way. I had recently come out and meeting other young gay men was a new skill I slowly adapted to.

Being gay was like being a part of an elite club. “Are you gay too?” rolled off my tongue and it was exciting. But now that I’m older, I’m beginning to wonder how appropriate it is.

Our society has gotten so politically correct that we’ve become overly sensitive finger-pointers. When we have our P.C. goggles on, everything can seem homophobic, intention is lost and all that exists are words.

We all have different boundaries. What I find offensive might not be as offensive to you, and vice versa. But at the end of the day, the only people who should feel awkward when asked if they’re gay are straight people.

Being gay isn’t as visible as race. No one is going to ask a man if he’s black or Asian or brown or blonde haired—it’s visible to the eye. Orientation isn’t spotted neatly. Unless you tell me (or if I ask you), I’ll never truly know. I can assume, but we all know assuming something like that can be awfully embarrassing if we get it wrong.

Asking someone if they’re gay shouldn’t be inappropriate.

I’ve seen numerous gay guys gasp at the question: “How rude,” they’ll say; or “Is it obvious?” they’ll shrill. Neither do they stop and ask themselves why they feel offended.

Personally I don’t see any reason to get offended when someone asks me the question because there’s nothing offensive about it. Being gay is not a bad thing. Asking someone from Boston if they’re a Yankees fan, now that’s offensive.

Is it because we feel seen? Vulnerable? Exposed? Someone “outs” us and we feel uneasy. They called us out, we’ve been spotted, and now the whole world knows we’re gay. Or is it that we’ve trained ourselves to be sensitive to such remarks?

In high school I used to cringe when someone asked me if I was gay. Keeping my cool became a job. Staying in the closet was the ultimate goal, so much so that most logic was thrown out the door. “Are you gay?” sparked an internalized battle that stayed with me well into adulthood.

Internalized homophobia can’t help but be attached to the question.

“Are you gay?” ignites feelings from our childhood and whatever memories—good or bad—come with it. Sometimes they come whether we want it to or not, so in a way it’s not the question itself, but the intention behind it.

“Are you gay?” can be asked in a multitude of ways. Most of the time it’s harmless, but more often than not the person asking must always approach from a level of compassion. We aren’t mind readers. You don’t know what I’ve been through, nor do I know your intention. All we have to go on is the stem of what that question registers with.

At the end of the day, it’s only a question. But it’s also one that should be used lightly.

If someone told you a man is gay, there’s no need to ask. The polite thing to do is wait until he mentions it or until you feel comfortable enough to ask. Till then, it’s no one’s business but his own. No matter how passé it is to you, you never know how it might be for him. Best leave it alone.

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Antisocial Gay Guys Are Becoming a Thing

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anti social gay guys

There is life outside your apartment!

If one analyzed the media’s coverage on gay male society, they would undoubtedly believe we’re social butterflies, flying from here to there, collecting friends (and enemies) with every swoop. We’re at the bars, in the clubs, starting the party wherever we go.

Despite what the media makes us out to be, the truth of the matter is the “world” our culture lives in doesn’t exist in reality, but on our computers.

In the last few years I’ve seen countless of gay guys sinking deeper and deeper into their shell; so much so that they’ve gone undiagnosed as hermits. Nothing wrong with maintaining a quiet life of seclusion in your apartment, of course, but I’m seeing this kind of lifestyle becoming more frequent. Why?

The digital age has created no reason to step outside and smell the flowers, to physically travel out and find love, friends, a purpose. Everyone wants to work at home behind a laptop and become the gay Carrie Bradshaw.

Whatever lifestyle a person wants for his or herself is fine by me. I’m not one to judge. But at the same time, I can honestly say that human beings are made to be social. Loneliness is an epidemic invading our community quicker than we think, and part of that is because we tell ourselves we aren’t worthy enough for better friends, better work, or better experiences.

Our own seclusion is a representation of how we feel inside. I spoke to a guy recently who is a self-proclaimed human hater: “I hate humans,” he said. “They’re vial and mean and think only of themselves.”

Hating the world is never going to solve your problems. You can’t shut everyone off because of bad experiences you’ve had in the past. You don’t have to like everybody, but you do have to get along.

There is a whole world outside my apartment—the sounds of helicopters, party throwers and barking dogs remind me of that. In recent years, my apartment has become a refuge; a place where I can truly let my problems roam. I used to be afraid of the outside, where people are free to judge me. But now I understand that external fear can only be prompted by internal struggle.

The world can be a scary place, and we humans are never going to be perfect. But closing yourself off to new experiences for no real reason other than fear is not good.

Getting out and meeting new people is how we’ve evolved: it’s the history of art, the foundation of discovery, the genesis of self-awareness. Incredible lessons are waiting to be learned if you dare yourself to find them.

Each morning there is something new to be grateful for. Stop enclosing yourself inside a bubble and start creeping back into the real world. Believe me, it isn’t going to be nearly as rewarding to learn about your own life through a computer versus reality. Go out and grab it by the balls!

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Is It OK To Sleep With Someone Who Has A Boyfriend?

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gay guys

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell you that infidelity is running amok in today’s culture. Hell, I’ve been guilty plenty of times. But recent circumstance in my life have made me start to question the intention behind gay guys who knowingly sleep with people who have boyfriends.

When someone who I know has a boyfriend asks me to sleep with him, my instant reaction would be to say yes. However, I know there will always be a question on the back of my mind: is this really the right thing to do? The last thing I ever want to be known as is the “mistress.” Lord knows I’ve been called worse, but this is not something to be proud of.

There have been plenty of times when men have invited me back to their place. Once there, the family pictures are enough to make anyone gag. He and his partner holding hands at the park, he and his partner on the ski slopes in Aspen, and worse, the wedding ceremony.

The typical response after I raise concern is usually something like, “Don’t worry, he doesn’t care” or “He’s out of town, he’ll never know” or “It’s not a big deal, we’re breaking up soon anyway.” What do these guys take me for, some man who goes around causing friction in relationships? Listen. I love sex just as much as the next man, but not at so much a price.

The guilt alone is enough to make me second question myself. But here’s where it gets interesting: what if he’s right? What if his boyfriend, in fact, doesn’t care? Who am I to push my own belief system in his face? When it comes down to it, the person you should really be concerned about isn’t you nor him, but the boyfriend in question.

How would you feel if your man was sleeping with someone else? Would you not care as long as he’s upfront about it, or will it completely kill your trust in him? There’s so many questions that are tied to this kind of situation that we usually drive ourselves crazy with paranoia.

Above all things, the real focus should always be your well-being. If a gut feeling is telling you not to do it, and you do it anyway, you’re going to have live with the aftermath of such a decision. If the boyfriend finds out, not only will he nearly always attempt to track you down, but the man you slept with is most likely to say that you instigated it in an attempt to take the spotlight off him as much as possible.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is something you’re willing to be okay with tomorrow morning. We are all in control of our decisions, and we all have different limits when it comes to infidelity. Just know one thing: karma is a bitch.

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10 Topics Gay Guys Should Never Bring up on a Date

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topics gay guys should not bring up on a date

Dating is a lot of fun, but it also can be quite terrifying. We never know what’s going on inside his head, but we sure as hell can control what comes out of our mouths. Certain topics you might think are safe, for the most part, can end up sending you on a nosedive. Here are a few you should stay away from:

#1) Your Sex Position.

As much as you want to know if he’s a top or bottom, it’s not going to be very classy bringing it up on a date (especially the first one). It can be pretty tempting when you’ve had a few drinks between you, but try to keep the focus on building a connection that’s emotional.

Navigating Through The Gay Community Without Becoming Fake

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gay guys not becoming fake in the gay community

Growing up, my parents tried desperately to raise me as a man of character. They wanted me to think for myself and act for myself, while allowing others to do the same for themselves. It wasn’t a typical upbringing, in fact, I’d say it was close to living inside a corny TV Show on the Disney Channel, but it taught me a very important lesson. A lesson I found hard to keep once I came out of the closet.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines Character as “The sum of the moral and mental qualities which distinguish an individual.” On the same note, Caricature is known to be “An exaggerated or debased likeness, imitation, or copy, naturally or unintentionally ludicrous.”

In essence, your character is your true self while a caricature is what you pretend to be, which is usually an exaggeration. Though everyone on the planet struggles to find the root of their character, I can’t help but think that gay guys often confuse the two meanings. I know I did.

It wasn’t on purpose. Not having been around gay people all my life, I was conned into an idea that being a homosexual meant having to succumb to a certain kind of caricature. As time progressed I morphed into an exaggerated version of myself, mostly due to social pressure and media-inspired stereotypes. In the end, I was not authentic to who I was nor was it an accurate reflection of where my morals stood. I became a joke, a satirical interpretation. Though it might seem like this phase is normal in adolescents, for me, it lasted all the way into my mid-twenties. It wasn’t long before I forgot who I really was.

But I’m not the only one who’s experienced this kind of thought. In today’s culture, the world has become obsessed with masculinity. Some journalists call it the Feminism of America and, in fact, one author claims that feminists are to blame as it delivers “angry women and feminine men.” With this kind of language being aired on television screens across the world, it’s no wonder why young gay men find hard holding on to their character when they come out of the closet. The repetitive message is: You’re no longer a part of us. You sit over there now.

I was one of the lucky ones able to see the forest through the trees, but unfortunately there are many others who haven’t realized that the “caricature” isn’t real. Countless of gay men I’ve spoken to feel trapped in their need to shape themselves around a certain kind of stereotype or model, forgetting the fabric of who they are. The next thing they know, they’re doing things, saying things, or feeling things that aren’t in tune with their heart and soul.

Neglecting your character is more damaging than you might think. It shapes the legacy you leave behind. Never let it leave you. You know who you are and where you stand. Pretending to live and breathe in anyone elses shoes but your own will no doubt take its toll. And the last thing you want is to lose your memory of the person whose heart lives inside you.

Maintain your character with a tight fist. It’s the one thing nobody can take away.

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chubby chaser

I remember being in the sixth grade and obsessed with my History teacher, Mr. Donahue. He was also the football coach (and looked it)—tall, stout, and extremely masculine. I was infatuated from the start with guys of the same build, and as time passed by, the fantasies kept getting larger and larger—literally.

I don’t know what it is about large guys nor do I know (or care) to learn about what chubby chasing actually is. All I know is that the kind of guys I lust after aren’t twinks or cubs, but rather larger than life guys who don’t give a damn about any of the body perfection hoopla.

There’s a visible line between a guy who likes bodybuilders and one who likes big dudes. For whatever reason I’ve never been able to point my finger as to why I like what I like, and in the gay community especially having any kind of “type” that isn’t standard seems unusual.

The second I moved to Los Angeles I was bombarded with images of hot guys. Each bar was crowded with models trying to get my attention, but no one made the cut.

I wasn’t in Texas anymore—this I knew. Big people account for a lot of the population down south without even trying, and none of us care.

The media has made being big something to be ashamed of when in reality it’s NOT. Where I come from, being larger than average comes with an attitude. It’s a strut most people recognize yet hardly register as attractive when attached to a dude that doesn’t sport a six-pack.


I’m no skinny-minny myself, so watching supermodels walk passed me on a nightly basis is a bit uncomfortable. To be honest, I never knew what the big deal was.

The thing about liking heavy guys is that it’s also a double-edged sword: while there might be plenty of them looking to date me, a lot of them also have assumptions in their head that I won’t like them.

Gay culture has sculpted its standard so high that we assume everyone is a part of it before we make the leap.

Like all guys out there, I have a type, and I’m not the only one lusting after big men. Judging by many conversations I’ve had with gay guys my age, the “perfect body” isn’t a prerequisite for a boyfriend. Dating a gym buff usually becomes intimidating after a while.

An average Joe is always going to have something a little extra. What they lack in muscle they’re sure to make up for in heart and soul. No one wants to date their eye candy—what are you going to have left at the end of the night?

It’s time for everyone to start being honest about what they like and don’t like—not in regard to race (we’ve heard plenty of that)—but regarding everything else. I know we’ll all be surprised at how many guys actually are into heavier blokes. After all, too much of a good thing is marvelous.

 

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why gay guys should try celebacy

For all of you horny goats who ever thought of living the life of a sex-deprived monk, take a closer peek at what you might be getting yourself into. You might start to second guess your own libido. Turns out a life of celibacy might not be as bad as I thought.

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Ever wonder why you aren’t gaining muscle at the gym no matter how hard you work? You might be ejaculating too much. The vitamins, amino acids and protein that get expelled are vital in muscle synthesis. Not to mention it deprives our body from testosterone which is vital for muscle growth.

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