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Ageism In The Gay Community

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ageism in the gay community

The glory days of being new and fresh to the gay world has faded, and suddenly we are relocated to the back of the bar with all the other old farts in the house. When did this happen? With no warning, we became the very person that we had once poked fun of.

What happens when we get old in the gay community?

In a time where youth is worshiped, it is difficult to find your place when people look at you and see a number – not a face, not a soul, just a number – after time, it defines you. You don’t feel old, but the signs are there. Our sight starts to go, our muscles start to twitch, our hearing gets worse – all the while, the bright light of death gets closer and your “Friends” become the “Golden Girls.”

Ageism in the gay community is an issue. Twenty years ago, when we were the hot young newbies celebrating the vitality of youth, we thought it would never end. When it does, it’s hard to believe. People make judgments. We know they do, because we’ve done it. As we mocked the oldies in the bar while they watched the young boys dancing in the club, it never occurred to us that one day, it would happen to us. Now that we’re men of a certain age, does it mean we can’t go to bars anymore?

Being stuck in a state of mourning for your past is never going to move you forward. People will always be younger than you – it’s a fact. This generation didn’t experienced the discrimination in the 70s, they didn’t witness their friends die of AIDS, and most importantly, they didn’t experience Grace Jones – that’s one point for us.

Young people who are just coming out have a sense of freedom. All the built up tension of suppression explodes into an independence they didn’t think possible. We know the feeling, because we were there once upon a time. I’ve seen many men fall into a depression because they wanted it back – freedom, vitality, not giving a damn.

Ageism is found in all ages, but the truth is, it’s mostly from the younger boys. On the opposite side, there is wisdom. We know better. But because we know their youth isn’t going to last long, it’s easy to build resentment, which will lead to a downward spiral.

Why don’t we talk about it?

Somehow it seems like a taboo topic, yet it is affecting our community by the thousands. People feel lost and unwanted by their piers – this should never happen. Open up the discussion. Look! Our friends are aging with us too, right? Chances are, they’re going through the same issues. Be there for each other.

By embracing our age, we welcome the idea of others doing it too. Happiness is a choice – and as we leave our youth behind, we have to welcome what is ahead. Embrace the fact that we are still here – and we ain’t going nowhere! If your friends are going to be the Golden Girls, you might as well make it worthwhile.

I call dibs on Dorothy.

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How Gay Guys Can Overcome the Fear of Rejection

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gay guys overcome rejection

There is an epidemic happening in the gay community, and it’s called the Fear of Rejection. For some reason, single gay guys everywhere are becoming less confident about making the first move when they see an attractive man giving them the eye. But what truly is the cause?

For a lot of guys in the gay community, it’s hard to compete when there’s so many hot people around. Often times we think we’re not good enough or are afraid of embarrassing ourselves. After all, “keeping it cool” is a major strategy we use when trying to make a good impression. But the truth of the matter is, these fears are only imaginary voices inside our heads. Many times, they’ve been created by either our own insecurities or unfortunate incidents we have yet to heal from.

In order for you to rid yourself of this habit, it’s crucial to give yourself a life review. Go for a walk. Try to remember as far back as you can. Be the detective in tracking down the root of the cause. Once you’re staring at it directly in the face, it becomes much less existent in your life. Trust me, the first step is to find and uncover your own diagnosis. Here’s a few points that might help you along the way:

The “Voices” In Your Head

Insecurity and fear manifest themselves through voices in our head. “He’s totally out of my league” or “He probably has a boyfriend” or “He’d never be interested” or “What if he thinks I’m pathetic?” are all common statements we typically tell ourselves, either consciously or subconsciously.

Many times these voices feel different, sound different, and appear at different times. This is because they’re spawned from different memories within your life, and each circumstance you’re in is probably reflective of that associated trauma. Take it as a hint. Somewhere down the road, have you been tricked into thinking that most attractive guys are out of your league? Does something about this moment feel like déjà vu? Use this as an attempt to find the root of the problem.

These voices inside our head aren’t just holding us back from meeting a potential mate, they also can act as a great tool in deciding if someone’s worth the effort. Knowing that these voices are hidden insecurities and fear, imagine the feeling you get when someone is constantly saying to you, “You’re out of my league.” This, reversely, is how you would appear to them.

“Rejection” Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Good Enough

First of all, let’s stop saying the word “rejection.” The definition of such a word means that someone discards or throws away something that isn’t up to their standards. Overtime, this way of thinking is obviously going to affect our self-worth.

Just because someone says no or is distant from your flirting efforts does not mean that you’re ugly, unworthy, or not good enough. Think about the psychology of it all. People listen to their intuition when they make these kinds of decisions. When someone is obviously detached from making any connection, no matter how hard you think you need to try, it’s really all up to them. So really, it’s their issue. Not yours.

People nowadays aren’t open to find love and are even less open when the opportunity presents itself. Just because someone isn’t making themselves available does not mean it’s your fault. They’re obviously being held down by their own issues. Instead, see it as an opportunity to be proud of yourself for making the move.

Not Everyone You See Is Your Future Husband

Another reason why we tend to beat ourselves up is because we throw all our eggs in one basket. We get so anxious before approaching people that before we even know their name, we’re already picking wedding dates. It’s unlikely the person you approach is as perfect as you think. Remember, they also go to the bathroom just like you – and it’s not pretty.

When you’re not trying, you are less nervous and more able to be yourself. Insecurity is smelled in the air when you’re around more confident people. And simply due to the fact that you’re the one initiating the flirting, the person you’re talking to will naturally be “more confident” just because they have less pressure at that given moment. This makes your desperation more potent. Never let the fear of rejection overshadow your genuine self.

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Easy Tips For Gay Guys to Get a Right Swipe on Tinder:

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gay guys right swipe tinder

In my experience, Tinder is way ahead of Grindr. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come across some pretty nasty guys on both, but because Tinder is connected to social media accounts and shares mutual friends as well as interests, it’s way less anonymous – which makes it easier to find genuine guys.

What makes us swipe left or right? Everyone assumes it comes down to the right kind of picture. While yes, it helps, what happens after we swipe right? What makes us interested enough to want to get to know him? If you ask me, there are a few simple things that will help:

Show Us Your Objective. Don’t Tell Us.

Are you here to find love, get laid, or have more friends to call and grab a happy hour with? We can usually tell by the way you present yourself – are there more shirtless photos than there are of your face? Are you sending one-word responses like “Hey” or “Sup?” When we’re dealing with a guy who expresses who he is and what he’s looking for, it makes us want to do the same. Show us you’re looking for a long term relationship or dates without seeming too desperate. Something like, “I’m hoping to find someone to wake up and have coffee in the mornings” shows us what you’re looking for without being straightforward about it. If you portray yourself as a horny idiot, we’re going to wonder why you aren’t on Grindr.

Why It’s Important to Stand Up For Yourself

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gay guys pride standing up for yourself

We often forget we have a voice.

Our defenses have been down for so long that we’ve replaced our self-worth with obedience—for the world and anyone else we deem “higher” than us. But the truth of the matter is no matter where we are, no matter what we do… we always have a right to be heard.

Being a nice person isn’t synonymous with submission.

As a child I always wanted people to like me. If you ask my friends they’d tell you I’m a sweet soul but often fail at standing up for myself. Even now in my late-twenties I still find it hard. But the thing is standing up for yourself doesn’t mean you need to defend yourself—what it really means is respecting yourself.

Respecting yourself enough to be able to own who you are, understand the value of your work, what you do and how you approach it. Realize your life has a purpose, and with that comes a responsibility to be taken seriously.

We teach people how to treat us; if we don’t show the world how much we value ourselves, what room is there for them to return the favor?

We are our best cheerleader. At the end of the day, it is we who give ourselves esteem—no one else. This is the value that is reflected onto our peers and it is an image we choose to show, whether it’s conscious or not.

As adults it’s our responsibility to know who we are and what we stand for; that way when we’re approached with negativity we have a foundation on which to stand. If our infrastructure is as fluid as our social limitations, then everything we know will be dependent on the world.

There comes a time when it hits you: for the millionth time, you’ve chosen not to speak up for yourself and, once again, you end up with the short end of the stick. You know it could have been prevented, which eats you up inside. Then you start to beat yourself up—“Why didn’t I have the courage to speak up?”

Speaking up is a skill. It doesn’t come naturally for anyone—it’s something we’re taught either by our parents, adult figures, heroes or ourselves. We’ve all been there. In my life I’ve experienced numerous situations where I should have spoken up but didn’t. But instead of wallowing in remorse, I had to learn from it.

There are plenty of opportunities to makeup for lost lessons. Tomorrow will always be a different day if you make it, but only if you decide. Most people end up turning bad habits into a default personality, which makes them forever indebted to approval of all kinds.

The trick is to not need approval to feel validated. Validation requires you to be a prisoner—no matter how great your work is, no matter how nice you are, you’ll never feel it’s good enough until you’re validated.

Wherever your focus is will naturally provide the framework for self-analysis. If all you care about is what people think, you’re going to limit yourself. Not just that, but you’ll also stop believing you’re good enough to defend. It all starts with respecting yourself—do that and everything else will align naturally.

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Are Feminine Guys Unwelcome in the Gay Dating Scene?

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gay guys feminine acting

“No Fems Allowed…”

I’ve been single for a while now and let me tell you, the gay dating scene is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. No BRAVO show or article on GayGuys.com can truly depict its nature, but let me try.

It seems masculinity is like social currency deciding our value, which leads to how attractive we are. We can have the hottest body on the planet but if we are too feminine for a man’s taste, we end up staying in the one-night stand category rather than moving on to dating material.

As a feminine dude myself I’ve come to understand that I’m a fetish—a special interest type of date attracting only guys who “go for” my kind. Is this what dating has come to?

It’s as if feminine guys are only for partying or f*cking, but masculinity is something to be sought after in a husband: the tall rugged mountain man with a heart of gold (and great fathering skills) isn’t just a type for women. Gay guys want it too. It’s the only image we see in our fantasies.

Feminine guys want it, masculine guys want it, but where does that leave guys like me who try to find a great connection but is sadly met with prejudgments and an already set standard?

Masculinity is respected not just in society, but in our imaginations too. It’s worshiped like a deity so much so that we filter away all contradictions.

I go on dates. I’ve seen it firsthand.

Why is it that men instantly make a judgment call that I’m not “for them” the second I start to speak? I understand we all have our type, but this is more than just a type. It’s a social construct that we’re trained to believe in. If I was a type there would at least be a sanction of men willing to step up to the plate, but most of the gay community seem to only be willing to date men who aren’t feminine. That’s not a type, that’s a problem.

It’s not a type, and in my opinion it’s even more dangerous than racism: “I don’t like black men,” “I don’t like Asians,” “I only date white people” is equally as hurtful as being dismissed for being feminine, but the need for masculinity has no barriers. It’s in the gay community, straight community, black community, Asian community, white community—the entire world accepts machismo over femininity, which expands the problem across the entire dating world.

I don’t want to feel like I need to man up before I go on a date. They say in order to attract the right person they need to accept you as you are, but if the whole world starts straight-washing everything it’s going to be harder to accept myself, much less for someone else to.

Dating itself is hard enough. The last thing we as a community should do is turn each other away based on ideals. I am not less of a man because I’m feminine. The fact that I accept myself and refuse to conform to any set prototype says a lot more about my courage than it does yours. That’s true manliness.

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Can a Straight Guy Fall in Love With a Gay Man?

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straight men fall in love with gay guys

I’ve been in love with countless of straight guys in my life—they all broke my heart, obviously. I was young and new to the experience. Now that I’m older I often wonder how many straight guys have been in love with me.

When I say love I don’t mean sexual attraction. I mean real love—the kind we see in movies: emotional, head over heels, romantic, sensually stimulating kind of love. Can this type of emotion exist among straight and gay males?

Personally I think it can, but too often society doesn’t know what to call it. Falling in love with a person has nothing to do with sexual feelings. It’s a heart-to-heart, soulful experience, but as guys we associate the two. We don’t know how to describe it otherwise.

Men don’t have the same contact rules as women do. We’re often afraid to show any kind of close connection with another guy—even gay guys. In my experience it’s because we always assume the other will think we fancy them, so instead of risking it we’d rather keep a safe distance.

I see male friendships everywhere and they’re amazing. There is a brotherhood that seems to be tighter than family sometimes, but for whatever reason our culture made it into something else. So when a straight guy starts to have a close bond with a gay man, his first instinct is to shut it off: “Does this mean I’m gay?” he’ll ask himself.

When it comes to love, the whole gay and straight thing doesn’t matter. Love is love no matter where it comes from; and trust me it’s better than having no love at all.

Back in my college days I fell for a straight guy. He was attractive, kind-hearted with a great body, and could hold a conversation for days. He liked me too. We had a solid connection similar to any other relationship—the love was real, but unfortunately there was still a piece missing.

I had to learn that our relationship was never going to be consummated. The love needed much explaining on his part. He didn’t know how to handle it and frankly, neither did I. We weren’t sure what it all meant, but the one thing I did know was that I needed to get over it. Quickly.

Love is something no one can describe. It can happen anywhere, anytime and to anyone—even to straight/gay friendships.

It is heartbreaking when the man you love won’t be able to be yours, but at the same time there is much to say about what comes after the fact. If there is always going to be something missing, any kind of life together will quickly die away.

When you fall in love you always need to ask yourself if it’s worth it. Personally when you’re dealing with a man who is straight (and knows it), there needs to be a serious conversation.

A straight man can definitely fall in love with a gay man. I know firsthand. The question you need to ask yourself is: Is there really a future?

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10 Obvious Signs A Guy Is Hitting On You

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gay guys signs he's flirting with you

We all want to find the love our lives, but let’s face it. Sometimes he’s standing right in front of us. More often than not we fail to see the signs because we’re too busy thinking (and thinking and thinking and thinking) that it becomes too much to bear.

It’s not always going to be obvious when someone is flirting with you. There are plenty of charmers in the gay community so it’s hard to tell at times. The real difference between those who are interested in the world and those who are interested in you is, in fact, you. When the baseline of his action begins with you, chances are you’re driving his intentions. So let’s talk about some clear-cut signs:

#1) Gay Humor vs. YOU Humor

Let’s say you’re at a party where two guys are trying to make you laugh. One tells an obviously recycled joke that most people in the LGBT community might find funny while the other makes you laugh through spontaneity or by hitting your own sense of humor. Which one do you think is more forward with his attempts at hitting on you?

There’s a difference between humor fueled by charming the world and humor whose sole purpose is to make you laugh. Charming humor is general, typically about the atmosphere, life over-all or unspecified subject matter. If he skips all that and starts making jokes that target you, alone, chances are he’s trying to connect. It’s not the world he’s trying to impress anymore. It’s you.

#2) He’ll Defend You Whenever You’re Out

We all know how much we love to tease each other when we’re out in the gayborhoods. Think about it. Whenever you really like someone, don’t you feel somewhat protective of them – even if it makes illogical? Someone might crack a joke about his shirt looking a hot mess and your first instinct is to say, “Awww. Stop. Leave him alone.” As the words come out you realize it wasn’t that serious to begin with. It’s the same idea. If he starts to say cutesy wutesy remarks that defend you, it’s likely he is concerned with your well-being. Why? Because he cares for it.

#3) He’ll Sex-Investigate You: Top or Bottom?

As much as we like to say we’re “above it,” most gay guys think about sex almost immediately whenever we meet a guy we’re interested in. Then comes the inevitable: Top, Bottom, or Versatile? When we really like a guy, sometimes we unconsciously try and figure out what “role” he prefers. Though sometimes the attempts are obvious, other times it’s just not. Use your head and try to see if his sex jokes or off-handed comments have a deeper intention.


#4) Social Messaging Ain’t For ‘Networking’

Facebook isn’t just for “networking” anymore. Oh no. It’s a fabulous excuse to stay connected with whoever it is you’re trying to not forget you. Most likely he’ll regurgitate certain things you talked about the last time you spoke. For example if you were joking about going to work dressed as Huckleberry Finn one day, he might message you: “So how was work, Huck?” or something cute. At that point, it’s clear he didn’t add you for “networking” purposes.

#5) Eye Tagging

You lock eyes with a hot guy across the room more than once, but every time you do he quickly glances away. We’ve all been there. Sure it can be a bit awkward, and yes it can happen accidentally. But one of the biggest slipups gay guys do is assuming it’s a mistake. What if it isn’t? We’re so quick to think it meant nothing that when it happens again we don’t bother investigating.

Let him check out the goods for a while, but whenever you lock eyes yet again, test it out. Don’t flinch away. Hold on to dear life no matter how awkward it feels, followed by a smile. You’ll find the answer soon enough.

#6) He’ll Ask Personal Questions

There are the generic questions of “How are you?” and “Did you have a good weekend?” but the ones that truly set him apart are those that are about you specifically, like “Where are you from?” or “Why did you major in Psychology?” or “What do you like most about your job?” These are clear-cut signs that he’s trying to get to know you. The more personal questions he asks, the more information he can discover for later on when he sees you again. Don’t be shy to open up.

#7) Check The Bubble

We all have a bubble. It’s ours and no one can bust through it. When you’re trying so hard to impress someone you can’t help but invade it – either physically or mentally. Sometimes a guy can be too intense with his deliver. That doesn’t mean he’s an a**hole or trying way too hard. Psychologically, whenever our brains are focused on a single task (the need to impress) it becomes less attentive on how we’re coming across or even our physicality in doing so (i.e. bubble popping). So check your bubble. If he’s not considering personal space, it’s clear his focus is too strong elsewhere.


#8) He “Magically” Has Things In Common

We’ve all been in those moments where we’ve pretended to like things we have no idea about in an effort to keep the conversation going. “Yes! I LOVED that show!” or “Oh my god. That’s one of my favorite movies ever!” or “You like J.R.R. Tolkien? Aaaand when can we get married?” Yes it’s always awkward and we always regret saying it, but it’s clear our need to be liked has outweighed ourselves.

First you need to notice the difference between being liked and being accepted. Many people exaggerate their interests at parties and things in an effort to be accepted, but the trick is to look at what his intentions are. If his goal is to make himself look better in a self-performing way, chances are he’s trying to impress the room. But if he’s trying to relate to you, it might be only you he’s interested in.

#9) Nervousness Is Only Fear Of Your Approval

There’s a difference between someone who’s nervous and someone who’s downright giving you the cold shoulder. I think we all know it. Nervous guys show it physically while cold-shouldered ones ignore you altogether. Here’s the thing. When we like someone we tend to get nervous around them. That’s normal! If he’s clearly shy about making moves, don’t hold it against him. It might mean he’s scared to show his real self out of fear you might reject it. Make him feel comfortable, and allow the nerves to run away. But never judge nervousness as a sign that he’s uninterested, in fact it’s probably one of the major flags.

#10) His Demeanor Is Different With Everyone Else But YOU

He could be super sensitive around his friends, but when he’s around you he tries to have a stronger shell. Same thing can happen in reverse. He might be much more rugged or macho around the people in his circle, but when you bring out something emotional in him. Whatever it is he’s trying to put on a mask he thinks will win you over. If I were you, I’d give him a taste of his own medicine and start inspiring him to be just as he is with everyone else. This, no doubt, will relax him much more.

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How To Define Our Own Limits

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How To Define Your Own Limits

If there’s one area in your life you cannot be silent during, it’s the process of defining your limits. I know firsthand the dangers of letting others direct my destiny. Not only does it prevent you from growing into a new phase of your life, but it tricks you into thinking you’re worth less than what you are. The journey of self-discovery never ends, and it’s never too late to start.

For those who still find themselves staying stationary through life, you’re not alone. Countless of people in the LGBT community feel like second-class citizens all across the world, and it’s those who know their worth that eventually reach their highest potential. Here are a few ways to help us all get there:

Separate Your Intellect & Intuition

Your intellect and intuition are timed perfectly to work in unison with each other. When the universe is trying to tell us something, the first place it goes to is the intuition (our gut feeling). It rests there for about half a second, then instantly shoots up to our brain, i.e. intellect. Immediately we start over-analyzing.

More often than not, we know what our intuition tells us. If it’s something good, our intellect questions why. If it’s bad, our intellect questions why not? This counterproductive relationship is supposed to build an idea of where we’re headed. Most of the time, however, we fall victim to thinking too much when really we ought to listen to our gut.

Our intuition is fueled by our life force. It acts as the compass towards our destiny. Our intellect is meant to get us there by rationalizing our circumstances and figuring a way around it. Never should the intellect second-question why the intuition is feeling a certain way. Instead, it should ask how to get there.

Judge The Results, Not Public Opinion

Everyone lives in the realm of their own limits. When someone says, “You can’t do that” or “You’re not good enough” or “You will never get that done,” they’re speaking in terms of their own experience. So in essence, what they’re really saying is they can’t do it. By listening to their opinions, you’re limiting yourself based on their standard.

Instead, let the results speak for themselves. When you set out to face your fear, you are pushing your limits. And what happens when something is pushed? It’s further from where it was before. It takes courage to do it, but the results are always going to be growth. This is where your focus should be – not through the words of others, but by the actions of your abilities.

Block Out The “Noise”

It’s easy for us to compare ourselves to other people’s accomplishments, but the truth of the matter is they have nothing to do with you. The more you block out the world’s “pedestal,” the more time you have to focus on what you’re doing now. Today.

Let Your Goals Inspire You, Not Lead You

When you set your goals high, you have much more wiggle room to figure out your path. Though having goals are important, it’s crucial to never lose focus on the journey. This is when you figure out what you’re willing to put up with.

Too many times we’ll let something slide or allow a person to take advantage of us because we’re too focused on the end goal rather than the path we’re treading. The more we let this happen, the harder it will be to break the habit. Not to mention, the world will soon take notice and begin to treat you exactly how you tell them to. If it’s not in a self-respecting way, your limits will be limited.

How Do You Feel?

If you’re not content with how or what you do, you’re never going to do it 100%. Often times, we’ll ask other people the questions we should be asking ourselves. Am I good at this? Should I do this? Why do I feel this way? When you ask people these questions, you’re only going to get their answers. Not yours. How does that ever benefit you?

We Deserve The Real You

Never deprive us (the world) from seeing your full potential. Going half-ass at anything not only gives us the wrong impression, but you’re also betraying yourself. Many times we’re scared to perform at our full potential out of fear of judgment or being looked at as a “show off.” Trust me, this is anything but the case. Everyone wants the bar to be high, and the only way to get it higher than where it is to set it there yourself. Never dim your light for anyone. You know how bright you can shine. So shine.

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How to Get a Total Top to Bottom

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gay guys make a top bottom

I know for a fact that every man fantasizes about bottoming, honey. That doesn’t mean they’ll actually go through with it, however, but there’s something about being submissive—letting it all go—that is universally stimulating.

Straight, gay, bisexual, it doesn’t matter. As men most of our lives are spent trying to prove ourselves to the world. When we’re born, society tells us we need to be breadwinners, pack leaders and bosses of our community. Weakness is not acceptable, and unfortunately, bottoming has been seen as some kind of weakness.

We have this idea that whoever gets penetrated is automatically inferior, that it’s somewhat emasculating. The whole thing is ridiculous.

This way of thinking still exists in the gay world. I remember first coming out and being terrified to bottom. That meant it was official: I was a real gay guy. But my small-mindedness also convinced me I was a lesser man for doing it. I wanted to hold onto as much masculinity as possible.

Guys who think bottoming makes you less of a man are seriously disturbed.

If you don’t like bottoming, that’s fine. Don’t do it. But if you’re like me—a versatile gentleman who every now and then gets thirsty to dominate a man—and you happen to be with a guy who claims to be a “total top,” trust me when I say all you have to do is get him out of his head.

I’m Neither Masculine or Feminine – I am ME

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gay guys feminine masculine me

Our culture loves categories, but what happens when you don’t fit into any of them?

Labels scare the bejesus out of me: “masculine,” “feminine,” “queer,” “flamer.” The rhetoric some people are so used to saying out loud makes my skin crawl. For others labels can be gratifying or encouraging, but for me it seems to limit my potential.

I’m not masculine, I’m not feminine, I’m not a flamer or a party boy. I seem to float in the middle of the spectrum with no direction where I’m “supposed” to fit in. In a world that relies heavily on labels, I find myself struggling to meet their criteria.

The word “fluid” has come up many times with me. My friends tell my I’m undetectable or non-conforming; while I’m sure they mean well I can’t help but think they are adding to the issue.

Gay guys don’t come in one precise package, but as humans we enjoy structure. That’s part of the reason why we’ve survived for so long. The relationship between intuitive and intellectual logic has created a system, originally meant to ensure survival, but now segregates us.

The digital age has invented tools for us to ensure separation, too. Grindr has tribes, which allows users to select the type of body type they enjoy. We also have taken it upon ourselves to nitpick our men shopping bag: “No Asians,” “No Blacks,” “Masc only,” “No Fems,” “Married only.”

We’ve turned ourselves into products, and what do all products need? A category. We can’t help but look at each other and make a judgment, but a judgment nowadays isn’t how it used to be. It’s no longer about wondering if he/she is a nice or safe or good person—now we judge each other based on a cultural system.

There is tremendous pressure to live inside a box. Everyone else on the planet is, so why not I? The truth of the matter is when you live inside a box all you see are walls. You’re never going to see what’s really out there, hell, you’re not even going to see what you’re truly made of.

He’s feminine, that means he’s a bottom or that he’s promoting a “bad gay stereotype.” He’s super masculine, which must mean he’s a top and probably has internalized homophobic tendencies. He’s this, he’s that, we make calls based on what we’re trained to believe—but by whom?

As someone who doesn’t fit into any of these labels, life can be insecure at times. But why do I need to describe myself in such a way? Since when has life been stagnant? Everywhere I turn gay guys are becoming comfortable with maintaining a self-prescribed category.

Life is about discovery. We are never the same person we were five years ago. That’s the beauty of our journey.

Who creates the labels? Who decides the framework we all use to judge each other? Where does it come from? It comes from us.

We can either choose to be a piece on a game board or decide to make our own rules: either option decides our fate. As someone who likes to decide my own fate, it’s really hard for me to call myself anything but David.

I refuse to think there’s a spectrum of “type” that may inhibit your perception of me. Instead, I choose to make my own path. Call me nuts, but it seems to be working thus far. Damn me to hell if I let you decide who I should be.

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Tips On How To Make A Good Impression

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gay guys make a good impression

Making a good impression is on everyone’s mind. Whether we care to see it or not, a first impression can stay with us days, weeks, and even months after meeting a person. But stop worrying! The more we get in our heads, the more anxious we’ll be.

All it takes to make a positive impression is to be as authentic as possible. Don’t try to impress people, they’re only human. No one in this world has power over you, except you. This, in a nutshell, is confidence – and that always sets the bar high during your first meeting with someone. Here are few other things that can help you along:

Don’t Be Guilty By Association – If you are hanging out with a bunch of hot messes, and you know they’re hot messes, maybe it’s best to keep them at a distance for a while. People often make first impressions based on the people around you.

Body Language – This is a biggie. Slouching, folded arms, fidgeting, touching hair, invading personal space, angling your body away from them, and a weak handshake are awful ways to communicate. Be open and engaging with your body. It’s the first thing people notice before we even utter a word.

Don’t Brag! – Nobody wants to listen to you talk about your accomplishments. Instead, make the conversation about them. This shows that you are curious, humble, and interested in them, which will ultimately make them interested in you.

Don’t Carry Your Baggage – If you’ve had a bad day, don’t carry it with you. Most importantly, do not bring it into conversation. Every conversation is a new slate, a chance to start new.

Don’t Look At Clocks/ Phones/ People – This is so annoying, right? If you know it’s irritating, then be considerate and don’t do it to other people. It will make them feel like you’re bored, uninterested, or inconsiderate.

Find Common Interests – Find common interests you may have, and expand on it. Don’t spend an entire conversation “getting to know each other.” Once you discover a common thread, go in that direction.

Remember Their Name – Don’t forget anyone’s name, even if you have to write it down on your phone, “Robert: blond hair, blue shirt.” This will make anyone feel important, and it will end everything on a good note.

Leave Them Wanting More – Conversations happen in arcs: the intro, the buildup, the climax, then a downward spiral towards an awkward, “Well… it was nice to meet you, my friends are waiting for me.” Try to end it as close to the climax as possible, this gives people more reason to remember you.

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10 Exercises That Will Make You a Better Top

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gay guys better top

Not everyone can be like my man in the bedroom (he’s the KING), but you can certainly try. One night I asked him how the hell he does it so well, he told me it was all about strength and mobility – something he picked up at the gay youth ministry (GYM).

There are exercises many gay guys don’t know about that strengthen every muscle needed to be a power top. While many of us think bench pressing, lifting, and running on the treadmill is all we need, it’s actually kid stuff. You have to combine strength building with stamina, energy, and nerve pumping routines. Here are a few from my man’s plan:

#1) Squats, Squats, Squats

A lot of people think squats are helpful for bottoms because it lifts and tightens your ass. While this is true in a visual sense, what happens to your body is truly miraculous. Squats are known to increase testosterone levels while increasing blood flow to the pelvic region (which will give better orgasms). They also strengthen your lower body, which gives you a more powerful thrust whether you’re on top or bottom. When you decide to lift your man and do him horizontally, it’s the squats that help you from getting trembling knees. It doesn’t matter what kind you do – I like to do a combination of dumbbell squats and heavy barbell squats.

How to Make a Connection on Instagram

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gay guys impression instagram

It’s no secret Instagram has turned into an interconnected universe, but trust me when I say it’s not all about connecting with celebrities or posting your latest breakfast meals. It’s quite possible to find love.

One of my closest friends, Joey, found the love of his life whilst scrolling through his favorite hashtags. Both he and his new man are avid runners. Somehow Joey kept coming back to his pictures, which were all of beautiful running trails he often takes.

I’ve also heard stories from other gay couples: one stumbled upon each other while searching through #tattoos; another found each other after scrolling #foodie.

But what was it about these particular guys that worked for each other? After perusing through each of their accounts, I kinda got a good idea about what set them a part from all the others.

Anyone is able to connect with a picture if it calls to us. If it involves a topic we’re interested in, we stand a better chance of scrolling through. But to connect with the photographer requires a bit more than a sexy filter.

Your Instagram account is more than just a place to show pictures. It’s also a canvas to display an aesthetic—an opportunity to show everyone what the world looks like through your eyes. The pictures on your feed are blueprints to uncovering your soul.

Show your life, show your passion, show yourself, and you will invite us in.

It starts with you. I asked Joey what it was that drew him into his boyfriend’s account: “There was something about it,” he said. “His pictures weren’t about him, but rather about everything he cared about—his family, hobbies, love for the arts. Without ever meeting him, I knew he was funny, cared about his job and loved ones, and knew how to make killer cocktails. It was a match right from the start.”

It’s no secret that gay guys are owning Instagram. We’re all over the place, and we have no qualms of stopping soon. While many “Instafamous” stories are due to pics of shirtless torsos or speedo shots, there is also something underneath the filter—a contagious zest for life.

As someone who never took social media that seriously, I was surprised to find how easy it is to make a connection through Instagram. First of all, it’s not like other outlets where you need to be friends with someone to see their posts. It’s completely private—targeted to filter the things you’re interested in based on your needs.

So what’s there to do now?

You don’t have to do anything except be yourself, but be careful. The things you post say more about you than you realize. Unconscious and subliminal, everything you make public is going to be a reflection of your character whether you realize it or not. Herein lies the secret of connection.

Instagram is always going to be a vessel between you and someone else. But it’s the message behind the selfies that make a person interested. It’s like an online dating profile except told through pictures. There are no questions, but countless of answers. In other words, give us something to respond to—show us yourself and we’ll more than likely see it.

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Are Gay Guys Who Own Dogs More Attractive?

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gay guys with dogs more attractive

What is it about a hot gay guys and their pets? Every now and then I find myself walking by the dog park and as I spy on the men in their running shorts, those I would normally classify as a 6 or a 7 automatically become an 8 or 9 the second I see him with his furry friend. Something about this relationship says dependency, loyalty, and trust. All three are major turn-ons in my book when talking about gay men.

According to recent surveys, 60% of people find dog owners more attractive. Not to mention, 85% of dog owners are said to be more approachable. If you ask me, there is no better tactic than luring gay guys by flaunting around a dog, especially when they have one as well. That way, the dogs are more likely to approach each other first, leaving you two to carry on a conversation.

However, studies have shown that flaunting your dog around does more than just break the ice in conversations, in fact, the type of dog you have can be an accurate representation of one’s personality which in itself has the power to make the owner more attractive, even sexier.

These positive attributes reflect upon the dog owner, eventually reflecting back towards onlookers. Take a look at results from studies by Klooff & Pawnation on which dogs attract the most people:

  • Beagles – Most people will think this dog owner is fun loving. Since beagles require a bit of energy to manage, chances are, the man who’s holding the leash lives a full life.
  • Labrador Retrievers – This dog sends the message that their owner is easy going and great dating material, not to mention less likely to sleep around.
  • Golden Retrievers – Chances are, their owner has a fun-loving attitude and are probably low-maintenance and easy to be with for long relationships since they’re likely to be more loyal. The dog’s happy attitude will make the owner seem more positive and active.
  • Siberian Huskies – These dogs are said to amp up a gay guy’s manliness, especially when they’re running around the trail together. I always associate these dogs with sled dogs, therefore, the man is in control at all times. That’s hot.
  • German Shepherds – These dogs are obedient, intelligent and agile. These traits eventually reflect on the owner, making him appear more in control and proactive.

The sex appeal of dog owners is uncanny. Everyone says that dogs take the personalities of their owners. Though this may be true most of the time, it’s also been shown that owners take on the traits of their dogs. A pet who’s personality is loyal, kind, and attentive rubs off on the owner, making him much more attractive at first sight.

It’s always easy to judge a person’s character on how they treat animals. Often times, when a man shows physical aggression towards a living thing, it can set off red flags about who he is and your future together. On the other hand, seeing him be affectionate with his dog creates an adequate portrayal of how he is in life: caring, sensual, energetic, in control, versatile, submissive, all the things we want in a lover…

I’ve always said dog parks are the best places to meet your future husband. Maybe I’ve been right all along.

So do you find gay guys who have dogs more attractive?

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I’m Sick of Transphobic Gay Guys

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transphobic gay guys

Have we forgotten the “T” in LGBT?

It never ceases to amaze me how many gay guys are slowly but surely turning transphobic. Often I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but in more ways than one they surprise the hell out of me. Since when have we given ourselves the right to judge?

Everyone has the right to their own opinion, this I know; we all can voice that opinion in feasible ways, this I also know; but when it comes to issues where the people in question don’t have a choice in the matter, i.e. something they were born with, there’s no excuse for lacking compassion. We ought to know better.

It shocks me to hear gay guys say things about trans people that are verbatim to what I heard growing up: “Figure yourself out,” “Stop being confused,” or worse, “It’s not a real thing.” These kinds of statements constrain mental freedom. It pressures people to speed up the progress in their spiritual journey to meet your criteria rather than their own. It seeps into their heads and creates a third party opposition going against their truth, and frankly I’m sick and tired of it.

Movements are never easy, but they’re going to be damn near impossible if people from our own community prevent us from progress. Have we forgotten the “T” in LGBT?

My closest friends shock the hell out of me every day by their lack of education on the issue. I don’t consider myself a genius by any means, but there is something to be said in regards to seeking our own knowledge. It wasn’t hard for me to empathize because their experience was parallel to my own. I’m always going to fight against intolerance and have zero patience for those who try desperately to create divide.

When movements happen, people are undoubtedly going to talk about it. Because our world is so connected now, it’s hard going a day without seeing or hearing news about trans rights or trans stories throughout the world. It’s enough for anyone to get a little over it, but this isn’t some random Kim Kardashian stunt; these are stories we need to hear—hate crimes, policy changes, restroom codes—and the surprising part is that in spite of constant reporting on the issue, my closest friends still claim they know nothing about trans people and why their lives need platforms.

It’s time the entire LGBT community grow a little more compassion and awareness themselves before they spew disgust across social media. We are the puss preventing these wounds from healing. It’s time we force ourselves to try and understand everyone’s plight—not just our own.

It doesn’t matter how many times you say you’re sick of hearing trans stories online, the important thing is that they’re here—finally! We need this because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to unite the world. Trans people have fought for gay rights since the beginning; why do some of us find it difficult to return the favor? After all, gays and lesbians weren’t the only ones at Stonewall. Know your history.

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