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How To Break Up With Your Boyfriend & Still Remain Friends


gay guys breakup remain friends

Breaking up is never an easy thing to do, especially with someone you have profound respect for. Let’s say he has immense feelings for you, but the constant mentioning of your future together always gets you a little anxious. You want to break up in the cleanest way possible, but at this point it seems impossible.

According to studies, about 60% of couples do not have contact with one another after a breakup, but there are still many that do. Lesbians especially tend to nearly always stay in contact with their ex-lovers, but gay guys are a different story.

As the person who’s doing the breaking up, it can be hard to understand why he wouldn’t want to be friends afterwards, but try and see things from his perspective. Getting dumped, sucks. Staying friends with someone who’s broken up with you can be a constant reminder of how you “failed.” But it doesn’t always have to be this way. The secret lies in the strategy. Here are a few tips:

#1) Self-Investigate First

When the fire has burned out in your relationship, it seldom has to do with him. Nine times out of ten, it has to do with a change of heart or perspective. Stop blaming him as the reason why your feelings have gone away. Instead, use this time to self-investigate the cause. Maybe you’ve grown a apart from him, maybe you’re still clinging on to someone in your past, maybe your goals aren’t coinciding with his. Whatever the case may be, it’s always best to look at it from your perspective alone. During the breakup, it will be readable as such.

You’re Awesome, But Here’s Why You’re Still Single:


gay guys why you are single

Life is supposed to be full of adventure. For people like you, it’s more than that. You share your life with awesome friends, an awesome family, and an awesome job. People tell you you’re a catch and how “happy you’ll make a man one day,” yet for whatever reason, you’re still single. What’s the deal? If you ask me, I think it’s because of these reasons:

1You have too many friends that limit your availability.

You have a great personality and are the life of the party, that’s amazing! It’s the reason why you have a lot of friends in the first place. Friends are great – they help us become a better person and shape us so that we may expand our limits. But on the same note, having a lot of friends unconsciously creates a bit of pressure to keep them.

There’s nothing wrong with having a big circle, but it doesn’t come without the tiniest of sacrifices. When you’re young, you want everyone in your life to be happy. But it’s best to grow the discipline of time and emotional management. You don’t need to be on-call for everyone. You have work, family, and dating – all of which make life rewarding. Don’t be a “yes” friend.

2You might be too much for people.

The good part about this is that you’re always going to attract a man willing to handle you. Even the most confident of gay guys will get nervous around someone who’s so comfortable in their skin, so uninterested in kissing corporate America’s ass, so turned off by disingenuous people. Unfortunately, the gay culture is turning into something totally artificial, and it’s rubbed off on our personalities.

You know who you are and carry yourself as such. You don’t apologize for it, and that’s what’s so attractive and intimidating at the same time. You’re above everyone else. You’re at a place everyone wants to reach eventually, but by the time they do you’re bored (that’s the curse of always being ahead of your time). I’m not saying you need to dumb down (please don’t), but have compassion for people who are still working out their baggage. After all, seeing examples of people like you inspire the rest of the world to rise up to another level – give them a chance to investigate how you do it.

3You’re distracted by better options.  

You know what you deserve, so when you see something better, there’s a likely chance you’ll probably be distracted by it. Commitment and attachment take a while to build, but our society today has made us believe that we need what we’re looking for right now, now, now. We want everything exactly the way we planned it because we don’t deserve anything less… trust me, this kind of thinking is always going to stint you from all types of relationships. Sparks are great, sex is awesome, love is a gift, but true attachment and devotion take time to build. You’re never going to attain it if you keep throwing men away like playing cards.

4You never think you’re “ready.”

What is ready? You can’t keep giving excuse that you’re not “looking for something serious” or that you need time to “work on you.” We all know you like being single, and that’s fine and dandy! What you can’t do is keep great guys at a distance because you don’t think you’re ready – no one is ever ready for anything. The more you say this, the more you’re hypnotizing yourself into believing you can procrastinate anything in life.

5You are your own person & you don’t want to share yourself.

I respect someone who marches to the beat of their own drum. It makes them that much more attractive to guys – let’s face it, we all want to catch someone who is seemingly “hard to catch.” Don’t feel bad about living your life the only way you know how, but never let it make you stubborn or illogical. The beauty of life is that it changes with the currents. When something great happens along the way, don’t dismiss it right off the bat because it doesn’t fit your “plan.” Sometimes a surprise on the road actually accelerates your plan.

6Your career is always coming first.

I know I’m awesome and talented, and so do you. People want to work with us, play with us, create with us, grow with us, be associated with us, but, what is a busy workday without having someone to relieve it all at home on? A man you can talk out your issues with, vent to when you need someone to vent to, have sex like there’s no tomorrow so you can be a clean slate in the morning? You might not think you need it right now, but having a balance between work and love is one of the most important things in life. Too much of anything is going to be dangerous. Leave your job at the office, behind the desk – don’t carry it with you everywhere.

7The idea of settling scares the shit out of you.

You’ve been a free spirit all your life. You know because everyone tells you, people want to be around you all the time, so the idea of settling with only one person terrifies you whether you realize it or not. You assume they might take away your light, they’ll distract you from what you believe is important, or they’ll prevent you from accomplishing things you’ve been needing to achieve. Trust me, this is your ego talking. When good things arrive in your life, they always (ALWAYS!) make everything else BETTER and more enriched. Why wouldn’t you want to share your time with someone who inspires you to be a better person? You’ll probably never know they have that potential because you won’t give them a chance to show it to you.

8You don’t know how to be intimate.

You’re an expert at being intimate with friends and possible short-term lovers, but when it comes to boyfriends, you lack the experience. And trust me, it is a different kind of strategy. It comes from a different part of your brain, which needs to be honed before practiced. Part of the reason why you might be scared of tapping into it is because love, for whatever reason, knocks you off center. It makes you lose the “cool” factor you’re used to carrying around and you might be terrified of feeling not-like-yourself. Trust me, it’s okay to lose yourself a bit. That’s what love does. It hits you hard and gets you to thinking new thoughts, but at the end of the day, these thoughts are lessons in disguise – valuable lessons that only a soulmate can teach.

9You think people can read your mind.

You go out and get what you want in nearly every other circumstance, except for love. It’s time to stop assuming that guys know what’s inside your head – they’re always going to judge based on the evidence you throw at them. If you’re not giving them bait, how the hell are they going to know when and where to bite? I get it. You’re an amazing person and you’re probably used to people begging for your attention, but you’re not above human psychology. If you’re interested in a guy and want him to know it, for f*cks sake, show it to him!

10You assume no one is as good as you.

I’m a firm believer in loving yourself, really, I am. I love myself and I know that I always need to come first, but there’s a fine line between self-worth and narcissism. Assuming no one will ever be good enough for you is truly a form of denial. It’s illogical and will always stint your growth. If you can’t see passed people’s minor flaws to see their incredible strengths, then frankly you probably don’t deserve him anyway. You’ll be much more happier dating yourself, so cut out a life-size cardboard of your favorite selfie and exchange rings. I’m sure you and yourself will have a very happy life together.


How to Gain More Confidence in Bottoming


gay guys - how to gain more confidence bottoming

By and large the biggest issue gay guys have with bottoming is that they don’t know how to do it properly, honey. For those of us who watch gay porn (I can safely assume it’s most of us), watching dudes taking it up the bum with ease prompts a keen interest into how exactly they do it.

Is it magic? Is it practice? Is it a skill that should be acquired?

The truth of the matter is it’s an overwhelming confidence—a confidence that requires necessary tools.

I’m versatile guy myself, which took a while. For years I was scared of bottoming out of fear I would traumatize myself or the guy I was with. I’d been with guys who weren’t very clean “down there”—I’ve also been with guys who were not at all open to bottoming, which made my experience as a top as fun as watching a slug chase its tail.

To gain confidence in bottoming you need to know yourself, first. There’s always something to be gained by truly becoming aware of your body and what it’s telling you. If you know you’re smelly or dirty or unclean in your private region, chances are you won’t be as confident as a man who is.

At the end of the day there are 3 things that will help you gain confidence in bottoming. Believe me, I learned through trial and error:

#1) Don’t Give Yourself an Opportunity to be Insecure.

In other words: PREPARE. When you do your preparation you will be much more confident in the experience you give yourself because the questions will be gone: “Am I clean?” “Do I smell?” “Is everything good?”

Most beginner bottoms are scared of having an accident on their man’s penis (or bed sheets). Hey, it’s real. We’ve all experienced some type of accident either from us or him, and we’re terrified of it happening again. Here’s an idea: prepare yourself and be smart about it. No one knows your body better than you do at any given moment. If you feel like something might happen, don’t do it.

#2) Don’t Think of the Pain, but Rather the Adrenaline Behind It.

When you expect it to hurt, guess what, it’s going to f*cking hurt. But here’s some news: anal sex isn’t supposed to hurt. It really isn’t. Your body is designed to send pain signals to let you know something isn’t right or is going wrong—when you receive these signals from anal sex, you need to check how and what you’re doing.

We’re all shaped differently. The tubing inside of our anuses have curve at different angles, they have varying space and volumes between them. All bodies are built different. Get to know yours. Know your sensitive spots and do some self-experimentation on which positions allow your tubing to be shaped perfectly. The only reason why you might be dealing with pain is because your literally forcing something inside you the wrong way. Investigate!

#3) You’re the Captain.

Sex cannot happen without a man willing to be penetrated. So without you, there will be nothing. Know that and understand that you are the captain of this ship. You steer the course of the direction, tempo, mood, emotional connection, etc.

Take charge of how, when, how fast or slow you will accept. He has no choice but to follow you. Have sex on your terms only. When you do that you naturally bless the experience with confidence and self-approval. The rest is yours.


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Why Halloween is the Best Time to Find a Boyfriend


Gay Guys Halloween Find A Boyfriend

Trick or Treat!

While gay guys everywhere prepare to have the best costume of the bunch this year, my attention is going elsewhere. Not only is Halloween a wonderful opportunity to show off you’re personality (and body), but it also has loads of potential to find available single men. Go with me here.

Most people who choose to dress up for Halloween often bring out an aspect of their personality too. You can tell a lot about a man by what he chooses to go as. Some look at it as a way of showing off their bodies, but I say use it as a way to find a boyfriend. Here’s how.

Whether you’re going to a friend’s party or deciding to go out and walk the streets of West Hollywood, the fact that you’re wearing a costume automatically enhances you’re confidence because the layers provide mental and emotional armor.

Costumes affect the mind.

A study published on the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology’s website showed that subjects who donned white doctor coats performed better on tests than those wearing street clothes. A phenomenon called en-clothed cognition suggests that whenever you have a strong cultural association with a garment, wearing it affects your cognitive processes, which ultimately fuels your confidence, which eventually makes you intuitive for connection.

I have a friend who’s a drag queen and she says that every time she dresses to the nines, her spirit animal is unleashed. The dress, the makeup and the hair all become layers of enlightened confidence. The person she was before takes a backseat to the parade.

Halloween is an opportunity for all of us to unleash our inner spirit animal.

When you’re wearing a costume, you are unconsciously letting go of filters and allowing yourself to be seen—inspected, but seen nonetheless: vulnerable and true.

I found out years ago that Halloween never fails. There are parties, half-naked men and tons of alcohol dripping from the streets of gayborhoods everywhere (even more than usual). You’re always going to have fun no matter what, but one thing is always for sure: you’re going to meet awesome people.

I’ve met some very close friends on Halloween nights in WeHo or else where. Don’t be shy to compliment a costume you love—what are they going to do, throw a drink in your face? We want feedback. That’s why we wear them!

You might think it’s a bit too much offering Halloween as a night to find potential boyfriends. After all, most guys look at it as a way to wear less clothing and cruise the nearest bar. But you have to admit that above all nights of the year, this one in particular has the most potential.

Whatever happens remember that this is a night to let your true colors shine. It’s why I love it so much. Whether you’re going scary, funny or choosing to make a statement with your costume, let it bring out something fabulous in you. Tap into the magical confidence All Hallows Eve can bring. Make it happen!

Thank me later.


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That Moment Your Best Friend Dumps You For Their Boyfriend


gay guys when your friend dumps you

There are scrapbooks full of memories we each carry with our best friends, which, despite our hold, can easily whither away. I know I’m not the only single gay guy with a tendency to focus on my boyfriends whenever I have them. I’ve even surprised myself with the number of men that have acted as friend replacements; each every time I let them push me away, I’ve failed to see the effects.

I’ve also experienced it from the other side of the table. Feeling you’ve been pushed to the side like an unwanted (and unneeded) garnish is never good for your wellbeing, much less the friendship as a whole. You feel f**ked over, like all those years of taking selfies and singing together in your car were easily disposable. The inevitable question becomes “What happens now?” Unfortunately, the only option is to roll with the tides.

Being in the middle of it is never easy. Your quick to point your finger. How could he/she be so blind? How the hell does he/she not realize how they’re treating me? Is it my fault? Did I do this to myself? If that’s the case, then is this “boyfriend” an upgrade? Who the hell am I going to hang out with now? These questions, though seemingly adolescent, are valid things to ask. There’s no point in making yourself feel guilty for what your friend is doing to you, but at the same time, it’s crucial for you to step back and observe things from an outside perspective.

One of best strategies is to take out a pen and paper, and write out particular incidents he/she has done that made you feel neglected, ignored, or singled out. This will take your mind out of the emotional side of things (which is hard to let go of) and focus more towards actual context, i.e. actions and treatment. These things hold up much better than going strictly on emotion. Emotion, though important to acknowledge, can manipulate our opinions in more ways than we think.

We all want to find love. Trust me, I’ve done crazy things in an effort to come close to it. Whenever we find someone who gives us with everything we’ve been searching for, it’s almost a no-brainer to hold onto him as tight as we can. Every new person who enters our life brings more excitement. My grandmother used to say the newest toy in the box gets played with the most, and, like always, she was right.

Just because our best friend has a new boyfriend doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten about you. He is the “new toy” in the box, and who are we to keep them from playing with it? Instead of trying to control the situation by pointing out how it’s affecting us, why not try and be happy for them? We all want our best friend to find love and happiness, but much of that has to do with being free of guilt. The last thing anyone wants is to feel like their best friend is angry or resentful towards him or her and their boyfriend.

Don’t ignore the things you’re feeling. It’s important for your well-being to fully acknowledge the situation so you can face it head on, however, you must always look at it objectively. If there’s one thing all human beings hate, it’s change. We learn to live with it, but if we had the choice we’d much rather continue a set pattern. That being said, is it really your friend that’s causing such angst, or is it the sudden change of priorities you’re faced with? Figure it out, and be your best judge. It will make you much happier in the long run.


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Why Gay Guys Should Stop Obsessing Over Love & Marriage


gay guys and gay marriage pressure

With so much hoopla about gay marriage it’s easy to redirect our lives towards finding love. We want so badly to be the couple holding hands on the cover of the Post. Dreams of a picket fence, the family dog, and two adopted children eventually construct what it means to live happily ever after. I admit. It’s very appealing, but it’s dangerous territory.

If there’s one thing that’s true about the universe, it’s that our focus is like a magnet. The things we think, feel, concentrate, and obsess over make us blind sighted to data and facts. We’re attracted to anything that will seemingly take us to the “dream.” Meanwhile, we’re not paying attention to our present path.

Imagine being in a race in the middle of the woods. About half way through, you notice a short cut in the brush. No one is around you and you’ll easily be unspotted if you take the opportunity. Do you do it? What if the ground was full of hot pokers, or sharp pine cones, or poison ivy? Chances are you won’t even notice because your focus is on the finish line. Not till you reach your destination will you see the damage. This is how gay guys are beginning to view marriage.

We’re concentrating too much on the goal (“marriage and family”) when we should be focusing on the journey at hand. We’ve set our attention to marriage mode and blocked out anything else. Before we know it, we’re rushing into relationships and commitments that present more danger for us in the long run.

For decades the idea of marriage wasn’t a reality. It wasn’t something you thought possible in the ‘70s and ‘80s, but now that it’s here – really here – there’s an idea that we have to catch up. Because we can, we feel like we have to. We owe it to ourselves. Gay guys who never even considered getting married are dreaming of the picket fence. It’s a tempting idea. We’ve become like little girls planning our wedding.

Love is one of the greatest gifts we can ever give and receive, but we mustn’t forget the greatest love of all – the one we give to ourselves. If you’re spending so much time focusing on future plans, pipe dreams, or wishes on a star, there’s no question you are ignoring the only thing that matters. The journey.

Every step we take today builds the foundation on which we stand tomorrow. If we’re too focused on tomorrow, we’ll be too lazy to build today. For our own sake it’s time to get our head out of the clouds and our feet on the ground. Love and marriage are waiting for you at the end of the race, but only for those who choose to run the whole distance.


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10 Scientist Approved Dating Tips For Gay Men!


dating tips for gay men - gay guys

Dating can be complicated, but only because we overthink everything. For decades, we’ve been training ourselves on how to be attractive physically, yet fail to teach ourselves how to be attractive psychologically.

I’ve done some research into the matter (you’re welcome) and have uncovered some interesting studies – both scientific and psychological – that may help you in your dating ventures. It certainly helped me! Take a peek and test them out. You might surprise yourself.

#1) Ask outside the box questions.

It’s a bit difficult when on a date not to go into rehearsed dialogue – “What’s your job?” “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” “Where are you from originally?” These are typical questions we’ve become used to asking, but trust me when I say DON’T; at least not just yet. One study has shown that rehearsed lines had a negative effect on a date – so this theory is backed up by science, ya’ll!

It’s important to pull him out of his comfort zone, and the best way to do that is by making him think. Make a deal with yourself to only ask about things you’re genuinely and authentically interested in – make it about him. While you might wonder if he’s an only child or not, you’ll always find that out in due time. During the whole get to know him process, ask him things like, “Have you ever wanted a sibling?” Find common interests and grow from there: “I’ve never been to Italy either! Which city would you rather visit: Venice or Rome?” “You like to cook? I’m actually awful. What was the best dish you’ve ever made?”

Gay Guys Need to Start Doing the Right Thing…


gay guys start doing the right thing

And the right thing isn’t necessarily the most popular.

Every day we experience a crossroad. Two choices, one outcome, and countless of questions: Should I do it? Should I not? More often than not it’s our own desires that fuel the logic behind it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but can it veer us in the wrong direction?

My grandmother always told me to do the right thing rather than what’s popular. As a teenager it’s incredibly hard to differentiate the two. Either one is going to be welcomed with some kind of backlash. But only one will bless you with pride.

Gay culture is beautiful. Everywhere I go men of all ages embrace each other, allowing us all to be ourselves. But when you’re young and new to the world, it can be quite intimidating.

As a gay man in my twenties, doing the right thing requires me to step out of my comfort zone. We’ve gotten so used to going with the flow, saying “yes” to those we deem stronger or better, even dimming or reconfiguring our morals to stay in a safe zone.

At the end of the day all we have to account for is ourselves—not our friends, boyfriends, ex-lovers, even our family. We must take responsibility for what we say and do. While others may inspire our decision to act on impulse, we are the ultimate deciders of it.

No one wants to make someone cry, no one wants to make someone question them self, and no one wants to be a bully. We’re never going to know what goes on behind closed doors, so why not behave in such a way that protects and serves our conscience while also having compassion for the people closest to us.

I’ve been in numerous situations where I could have done the right thing, but didn’t. Instead I gave into peer pressure—selling myself in a way that benefited no one. But when you fail to do the right thing you unconsciously plant a seed of knowledge.

It’s about how you feel afterwards: Will you be able to live with yourself? Will you be able to sleep at night? Will you feel guilty for not listening to your gut?

The beauty of life is that we call the shots. Every word we utter, every move we make, is going to effect tomorrow. But what we realize is that they also affect the world: opportunities, lessons, new friends, promises…

The trail we leave behind dictates the path we’ve yet to even see. Some call it karma, others call it destiny, but no matter what you believe in one thing is for sure: being a good person has more rewards than being popular. That’s always the key.


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The Reason Why I Only Date Gay Divorcees


the reason i only date gay divorcees

When you reach a certain age your perspectives on dating change. It’s no longer about diving head first into mystery and risks, but rather about being cautious and aware—I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

There’s no beating around the bush anymore because we’ve seen what’s behind it. There’s less fear when we let go of Disney dreams and start focusing on reality. Years of dating in your twenties, thirties and forties gave us a pretty good idea of what we’re looking for—after a certain point, you have to start seeking guys who’ve learned similar lessons.

They say if you haven’t been married before you’re fifty, something is wrong with you. I don’t know how I feel about that, but what I do know as a man of a certain age is that great knowledge arises when you have had multiple long-term relationships: you understand yourself a bit more, what you need to work on, the problem areas that might arise, and you’re more inclined to fix them.

Gay divorcees have been through the ringer, and most of them came out the other end stronger. They might have kids in college or in high school, so they did the family thing and aren’t exactly dreaming about a future with Santa Clause pictures and tooth fairy visits.

They understand what long-term means just as well as they know that not everything is peaches and cream. They know how relationships require work. Sometimes it succeeds, other times it doesn’t. Most of all, they’re more willing to try and make it work now that they’re older and wiser and more experienced.

Studies have shown that same-sex divorce is comparable to heterosexual divorce. The numbers are similar and now that same-sex marriage is legalized across the country (despite a few angry clerks), divorce is going to be another conversation brought up in politics I’m sure.

Dating in your fifties isn’t the same as dating in your twenties. As someone who’s been through multiple long-term relationships, I don’t want a man with his head in the clouds. I want someone who knows what he’s getting into, who understands the lifestyle of relationships and how it’s conceived. To start any amount of intimacy is to jumpstart a whole new chapter—that’s something divorcees get.

The problem with some men my age is that they always want to be 25. They enjoy dating younger, and the most surprising thing about it is that these young guys often date up. Meaning, they seek out older men.

Trust me, as someone who likes dating men my age, it’s been somewhat of a problem. 50-year olds want to date 20-year olds, but at the end of the day I’ve found that in order to have true long-term commitment at this age you need to have compatibility not just in sexual appetite, but in experience.

I will always date a man whose experience mirrors my own. After all if we don’t have anything to talk about, what’s the point?

An understanding of relationships and commitment accounts for 95% of credibility. It’s not easy finding a man in your fifties, but it will be a lot harder playing teacher to someone with virtually no grasp of collaboration. For me, this is key to making anything work.


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New Survey About Bareback Sex Reveals A Disturbing Fact


dangerous truths about bareback sex

A recent survey by FS Magazine showed that the majority of gay and bisexual men didn’t use a condom the last time they had sex.

72% said they had bareback sex the last time they had intercourse with a man. Of that group, 32% said they didn’t use a condom the last time they were a top, and 37% said they didn’t use a condom the last time they bottomed. Only half of these men said it was with a long-term boyfriend/partner.

10% of the men who claimed they had casual sex without protection also admitted to being HIV-positive compared to 90% who only believed themselves to be negative.

Does this come as a surprise? Personally as someone who’s been through the casual sex ringer for a number of years, yes, it really does.

What the study fails to show however is how many guys were honest about their status, which are quite a few and most of them are undetectable. There are also countless of men who take care of their sexual health by taking PrEP. The study also fails to mention whether the men they’re sleeping with are HIV-positive as well, which might make a difference in public assessment.

I know men who are HIV-positive who share their status with partners beforehand, but there are also those out there who do not.

What’s disturbing is the number of guys I know on Grindr or other hookup apps who choose not to share their status because they feel men will judge them. They’re looking for sex just like everyone else on Grindr might be, and saying you’re positive can change things.

Despite available precautions like PrEP, bareback sex is still risky. There are always going to be nights when you’re in the moment, but the last thing you want to do is risk your health and future. If you choose to have casual sex, you must remember to protect yourself.

Don’t take what he says as the truth. Prepare yourself.


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Stop Assuming I’ll Have Sex With You


gay guys don't assume sleep together

Stop assuming I’m a slut just because you might be.

I hate to say it, but it’s not just straight people who have a misconception on the gay community. Whether we created it ourselves or not isn’t important, but the idea that promiscuity is synonymous with being gay has poisoned the mainstream consciousness for decades, and it’s time to stop.

As a single gay guy I see it every day.

Most guys think about sex and I’m no exception, of course. Yes I’ve had casual hookups in the past like the majority of young Americans, but that doesn’t mean I’m slutty. The definition of the word has changed dramatically in the last several years.

A slut is defined as a person with many casual sex partners, or someone whose sexual morals are loose. Slutty behavior has become associated with gay culture through multiple facets of brainwashing. It’s become an unspoken act suggesting that we’re always looking for a sexual partner.

Having many sexual partners throughout your life doesn’t make you a slut. It makes you sexually active. But slutty behavior is different: it’s continuous, never-ending and never truly satisfactory until we get the result we want.

Behavior is a lifestyle, and yes I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know plenty of gay guys who do choose to live what the world might call a slutty lifestyle. But not every gay man you meet lives in the same bubble.

The culture as a whole doesn’t seem to help. Grindr, Tinder and other ways of hooking up have become ritualistic—an everyday habit. With so many opportunities for casual sex it’s no wonder we’ve begun to assume that it’s always on our minds.

I don’t judge anyone for what they do, which is why I don’t expect people to judge me. I’ve had Grindr—I know what it is and why it’s there, and I fully appreciate those looking for a quickie. But I would never, ever, call them sluts. I would never slut-shame them or make them feel inadequate, which is why I will never tolerate guys who do it to me for no reason.

No one should paint a brush over my entire community. The word “slut” is toxic and poisonous. Though certain people embrace the word and have tried to take ownership of it, the residue it leaves behind travels further than just one person.

Promiscuity has always been a part of the gay community because gay sex has been underground and hush-hush. But the stigma of that time is gone now, so why not get rid of the notion that we’re always looking to sneak away with strangers into the bush?

These misconceptions bleed deep within our minds and we’ve started to become our own victims. A smile is not a sexual advance, a gentle touch of the shoulder doesn’t mean I’m feeling your bicep, and a simple hug isn’t insinuating a d*ck graze.

Sex is fluid by it’s very nature, and we’re always going to want it. But it doesn’t mean we want it from you 24/7. The more we believe this the harder it will be to connect with each other, and that’s what we all really want at the end of the day: authentic connection, which isn’t found online.


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15 Year Old on Grindr Sends Multiple Men to Jail


teen on grindr causes men to go to jail

People lie all the time on Grindr, this I’m well aware of. What you see isn’t necessarily what you get either in looks, sex role, or age—and it works both ways.

This week a South Lyon, MI man named Cody Hunter Swatling pleaded guilty as charged to one count of accosting a child for “immoral purposes and possession of child sexual abusive material as well as two counts each of third-degree criminal sexual conduct and using a computer to commit the crime,” reports Livingston Daily.

The boy he had sex with was 15 at the time (he’s since turned 16). They both met on Grindr, and according to reports Swatling isn’t the only guy who faces criminal charges. Three other men are facing separate charges for separate sexual encounters with the same teen.

Here’s something to think about: Was the teen lying about his age? Does it really matter?

The sexually abusive materials spoken about in Swatling’s count were nude photos sent by the teen himself via computer. It wasn’t until a relative of the unnamed 15-year old reported the encounters to police that the four men were charged.

Underage teens have a different relationship with Grindr than most men. They’re young, and the app is exciting and seems to have little consequences. The combination can be very dangerous, but what about the men these teenagers might be messaging? Should they be labeled a child molester if they weren’t aware of the guy’s real age?

Grindr is an app that promotes casual sex, but it also pressures its users to exaggerate themselves in order to attract local guys. It’s not for children, which is why it ought to be controlled. But at the same time, we ought to really ask ourselves what a molester actually is.

I’ve seen molesters. They lure young people knowing full well what they’re doing. Guys on Grindr look for sex, which isn’t a crime. But having sex with a minor is a felony, which is why Grindr users need to be responsible for their actions—but it’s easier said than done for some guys, it seems.

Swatling is seeking sentencing under the state’s Holmes Youth Trainee Act, which means he would not have a public criminal record if he successfully complete probation. No word on how the other men’s cases will pan out.


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7 Signs You’re too Aggressive in Bed


gay guys too rough during sex

I love me some aggression, believe you me. But every once in a while, it can turn into something bad. Too much aggression means too much power – and that can be a turn off. I do not want to be in bed with a dictator – though I certainly don’t mind roleplaying it! If you think you are too aggressive at sex, take a look at the signs honey:

#1) You become impatient every time he tries to lead.

He’s not doing a bad job necessarily, it’s just that he’s not doing it the way you want him to. He’s too slow, too fast, too this, too that. Him trying to lead can be like trusting a dog with a treasure map.

At the end of the night, he’s not going to satisfy you as much as you want him to. Sometimes you may try to manipulate the situation and edge him towards the places you want, but it’s always to no avail. You’d still rather tell him to shut the f*ck up and let you take control.

How to Handle Nasty Comments on Social Media


gay guys handling negative social media

I’ve been an online blogger for four years now. It’s not uncommon to see a nasty comment every once in a while—like they say, it comes with the territory. I try my best not to read them and I always regret it when I do.

Sometimes I ask myself what’s wrong with the world: Did they misinterpret my message? Are they bored with their lives? Are they right? Are they going to come after me with pitchforks and chase me away from laptop?

It’s easy to let comments affect your wellbeing, especially when your livelihood depends on them. But sometimes you can’t help it.

A troll criticizes your body, your face, your message, your intention based on a photo, and suddenly your self-esteem goes down the toilet. What do you do? How do you respond? As someone who’s been at the center of attention (both good and bad), let me show you how it’s done:

First, do not delete the comment.

You’re not really “deleting” it anyway, and by doing so it will question your integrity (not only with your hater, but also the people who read it and follow you). Besides, deleting it will aggravate the commenter and might inspire them to up their abuse.

Find the context.

There are going to be situations where a commenter is way off topic, i.e. you post something happy about your friend and he/she criticizes you for it: “There are starving people in China, you asshole. Why aren’t you writing about them?” (True story).

When the context makes no sense, it’s much easier to calm down and not take it personally. People like this are just trying to use your platform as a way to make themselves feel important.

Understand it’s a cheap opinion.

It’s true that every voice matters. One nasty comment will inspire a bunch of others to join in, but the fact of the matter is that anonymous opinions are cheap ones. They’ll insult you in every way they can because, to them, it’s a game.

It’s like playing a video game: you’re not really saving the world from alien spaceships but while you’re in “that” mindset, you feel like you are. It’s the same with social media—everyone wants to feel like they’re on Meet the Press; everyone wants to feel like they’re a great debater; everyone wants to feel like they’re smarter than what they actually are, so while they’re in the mindset of commenting their opinion on social media, they feel like the smartest person in the world.

Learn from what they’re saying.

I’ve learned a lot from hateful comments—probably even more so than loving ones. While I know most of the nasty commenters are using me to create a platform for themselves, sometimes, what they say requires investigation: Do they have a point? Did they actually see something I thought would go unnoticed? Would I think the same thing if the tables were turned? In situations like these, comments can actually allow you to expand your perspective on things.

Never fight back, unless it’s in a classy way.

My advice is to let it be. Let the comment alone to bubble and fizzle away. If anything, let your friends (or other commenters) respond to him. But if you can’t hold yourself, the last thing you want to be is offensive. Remember, you set the tone for where the confrontation leads. Try and make it as pleasant, positive and helpful as it can possibly be. Never be aggressive—your dignity is what’s most important.

Take a snapshot of it.

There are many people who comment nasty things then delete or edit soon after. They rarely think you’re going to take a picture of it. I recommend you do because you never know where it will lead. Sometimes they’ll pick another fight (after editing their first comment) and come at you with, “I never said that!” After which you have reason to show the snapshot and shut him or her up forever.

Never back down (or apologize) for what you post.

If after a while of reflection, you realize that what you said was misinterpreted, then yes, apologizing can be very noble. But if you believe in what you posted (it’s your opinion so you damn well should) then you should never back down because a couple guys were offended. Stand strong and know that your opinion is just as valid as theirs.

Sometimes the truth offends people. I’ve seen many cases where commenters return and apologize after a few weeks (yes, weeks) of marinating. Had I given into their vitriol, their minds might never have shifted. So long as you believe in what you post (and not “post” simply to shock the world), you have no reason to apologize.

Know that it has nothing to do with YOU.

The truth is there are a lot of people out there who think they’re God’s gift to social media. They post in every LGBT publication you read, over and over again, typically speaking from a very personal place. They will find something offensive in anything—you will post something about love and relationships and they’ll respond, “Some of us are single and unhappy. Thanks for making me feel like sh*t.”

Never let someone else’s negative energy affect you. It has nothing do with you and everything to do with them. Some people are going to be chronically unsatisfied, which is unfortunate. But if you march on proudly, believe me, positive reinforcements will eventually mount up.


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