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What Makes You Ready to Date?

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gay guys dating

Be Proud of What You’re Selling!

Dating has turned into a 12-step program. We think in order to make ourselves dateable we need to detox bad qualities from our personality. Eventually it becomes so invasive that our greatest excuse from putting ourselves out there is that we’re not ready. But what does “ready” even mean?

To a gay guy new to dating it seems like it’s a job, something we need to add to the package of our lives. No one teaches us how to do it—we learn through trial and error. But it seems like more and more of us convince ourselves we’re not “ready” when the truth of the matter is we’re just afraid.

Embracing the edge of our comfort zone is how we grow—dating is no different. It requires us to step into a bubble of vulnerability we often try to avoid, and entering this kind of headspace in spite of our fear provides a level of confidence that sticks.

There is power in telling yourself you’re ready even if you have doubts. Doubts are fear: they’re the voices in our head that weigh us down and disregard our heart’s pull towards love—self-doubt, second-guessing, and giving up hope.

The truth is you’re never “ready” for anything. Hours of asking yourself this question keeps you from going out there and making it happen. You never grow from staying locked in your bedroom daydreaming about fairytales. You grow by experiencing life.

You need to dare yourself with a challenge: not know, but to feel that you’re just as valuable, just as wonderful, just as amazing, just as worthy of love as the couple you envy most. This was a lesson I learned the hard way.

One of my closest friends has been with his boyfriend for five years. To me, they’re a perfect couple: they share the same goals, same lifestyle, same taste in music, same everything. I used to be so green with envy, but when I investigated it further I realized it wasn’t envy at all—it was sadness at the thought that I might not ever be good enough to have that kind of love.

I was bitter for no real reason. I’d given up hope and I made a decision that I wasn’t as good as them, otherwise why would I be single and they in a loving relationship?

One day it hit me. Countless amount of tears and self-deprecating were a result of the lack of love I was feeding myself. After all, if I wasn’t able to love myself for who I am, how can I expect someone else to do it?

I kept myself from dating because I never thought I was good enough. I didn’t believe in the man I could be because I was constantly comparing myself to others. But the second I convinced myself I was just as (if not more) valuable as anyone else, I realized it was I who kept me from telling the world.

In order to put yourself out there in the dating scene you need to be proud of what you’re selling.

There’s something to be said about owning yourself in a way that no one else can. Ownership is something that is seldom taught by culture. We think in order to be kings of our body and minds we need it to be “better than” someone else’s. But all it takes is being proud of the person we are—everything else becomes a very lucrative result.

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ISIS Throws Gay Couple Off of Roof

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isis killed gay couple

In the last month, Islamic State (ISIS) militants have thrown two gay couples to their deaths from a building simply for being gay and loving each other.

Earlier this month, the group threw a couple off the roof of a building in Mosul, Iraq. The latest happened just this week in the eastern Deir ez-Zor province.

Their names were Shadi from the city of al-Ashara and his partner was named Ibrahim from the village of Maizilah. “The brutal execution took place in front of a crowd of people in central Deir ez-Zor watching the victims being thrown off the building.” says an activist to ARA News.

The ISIS-linked Sharia Court has issued a decision to execute every gay man by throwing them off rooftops. To date, the group has killed dozens of men in its areas of control in Syria and Iraq in the last few months.

“Daesh accuses people of being gay only on the basis of some superficial information without any investigation,” civil rights activist Raed Ahmed said to ARA News, “Although the Islamic law bans homosexuality, but the brutal punishment by Daesh has never been witnessed throughout history.”

According to ISIS, LGBTI people are the “worst of all creatures” and their murderous rampage goes beyond adults. In September they accused a little boy for being gay and executed him as gruesomely as the rest.

While we drink our Starbucks, go to the gym, hold hands with our boyfriends and worry about petty things, the fear of death is a sad reality in this part of the world. They deserve our compassion and, above all, they need to be heard.

Shadi and Ibrahim’s death cannot be in vain. Share this story and let the world know this needs to stop.

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Do Nice Guys Have Low Self-Esteem?

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nice guys low self esteem

The movies aren’t always right. You can be as nice as you ever will be to a man and still fall flat on your face – stranded, confused and struggling to figure out what you did wrong. Because there will never be a real answer, it’s impossible to find closure so we’re forced to carry the funk with us to our next relationship. Nice guys, it seems, always finish last, but is there something bubbling underneath the surface we fail to acknowledge?

It’s important to know the difference between being a nice guy and being a good person. We all strive to be the latter. Some even try to take it to a whole other level, but we can’t all take two years off to go volunteer for the peace corps so what do we do? We make our efforts visible through actions, words and moral principles. Our true character is always going to be transparent by how we treat our fellow man, but let’s not forget the basics of human psychology: there’s an intention behind everything we do.

I learned the hard way. Guys who are good people are vastly different from those who aim to be a nice person because they never forget to reward themselves. Nice guys are often left in the dust. He wants people to like him so he molds his personality around that particular goal. He allows men to walk all over him, eventually setting himself up for failure.

When push comes to shove, it’s always directed back to low self-esteem. Nice guys are rarely truly nice. When we go that extra mile to make someone like us, the intention is usually just that: to make them like us. We can get confused whenever someone doesn’t return the favor because we’ve set the “nice” standard so high even we can’t reach it. The battle to attain validation from the world is ongoing and if we can’t get it from being a nice guy, how else can we get it?

There are countless of gay guys who’ve  fallen into the nice guy trap. Once we’ve created that image for ourselves, it’s hard to get out. Our friends and family only acknowledge the outer shell, rarely seeing the person who lies beneath it unless we rack up the courage to show them.

Being a nice guy has its perks. You’re trusted much more than other members of your group, people might come to you for advice, they’ll expect you to lift their spirits when they’re down (which you proudly do), and you’re likely seen as a saint – a clean breed. On the flip side however, we are also more likely to become a punching bag, we might lack the courage to approach men, it’s easy to get pushed around by louder personalities, and we’re vulnerable to taking non serious things to heart. All in all, we’re sensitive creatures.

But can this sensitivity eventually become our greatest weakness? Nice guys across the world are consistently getting knocked around and taken advantage of because of their kindness. If it’s all rooted with low self-esteem or lack of confidence, I say it’s time for us to start building both.

Not everyone in this world is going to like us. That’s always going to be hard to accept, I know. The only thing we can do is be ourselves and never stoop to becoming a doormat for the world to wipe their feet on.

Being nice to be good is different from being nice to be liked. Fake kindness is never something to strive for. Whenever we’re kind to ourselves, we allow possibilities for that goodness to shine through. It’s time to make ourselves a priority.

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Test Driving Guys

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test driving cars - gay guys

Not having a car in Los Angeles, or anywhere really, can be considered a handicap and the same can be said for the lack of a man. On the road you are only as cool, trendy, and hot as your vehicle; in the relationship world the same seems to apply to the guy you are with.

Deciding on a car is much like deciding on a man. The types of wheels and men that you can get behind are infinite and it is a daunting process. Do you want it sporty? Something loud and edgy may be your style. Are you possibly on the hunt for something reliable and family friendly or more attracted to the flashy and dangerous? I myself seem to have a flare for the older models. My driving record has quite a lot of wrecks on it, which is yet another thing that it shares with my love life. If only we could have insurance for that sort of thing. Getting back into the flow of traffic after an accident is tough. When my heart was so badly banged up from the last ride how do I know when I am ready to get behind the wheel again?

While pondering this car-man comparison and the absence of decision we all have I came to the amusing conclusion that in a way, we are all test-driving each other. Taking men out for a spin around the block, seeing if we like the way they handle the curves and how they utilize what is under their hood. Driving our way from man to man in an exhausting hunt to find the right fit.

Sure, this one drives great but will your friends like it? This one has low mileage but it can’t really go the distance.  Some guys happen to give so many people rides that after a while they are practically public transit. Jumping into cars and beds with strangers hoping this one gets us to where we need to go. It is a frightening and unstable game that we all seem to be playing with our hearts.

Or maybe I have it backwards. Maybe I’m not really choosing my man, but I am the one being tested out. Romantically we all are stranded on the side of the road with our thumbs out and hoping that someone finds us suitable for the passenger seat. And how can you be sure that you aren’t sharing your relationship with another guy? He could have another passenger the whole time and without knowing it you can be in the carpool lane. I hope to someday have my dream ride but until then it looks like I am just an emotional Goldilocks with a drivers license.  No matter what, it all points to the fact that when it comes to our love lives we are all just hitchhikers looking for our ride home.

What are some traits you look for in your ideal man and car? Tell me in the comment section below.

Speeding by, but still yours,

Dalton Heinrich

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Finding Pride In Being Different

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gay guys celebrate your pride

Being different is one of the biggest compliments life gives us, but by the time we realize it most of us have fallen into an unhealthy habit of self-abuse. Why can’t I be like everyone else? Why me? Eventually we realize these questions are never going to be answered so as retaliation, we abuse ourselves. We become inferior to society’s judgments and ultimately miss our opportunity at embracing our full potential in life.

Listen to me carefully. You’re not alone. There are times when I’m scared to fully embrace my uniqueness. There have even been times when I’ve tried to hide my sexuality out of fear of judgment. But here’s the thing we all must realize. By being ashamed of who we are, we’re inadvertently telling ourselves we aren’t good enough. And that’s only the beginning to a downwards spiral.

Despite all the triumphs I’ve achieved in life, one of the greatest fears I still carry is judgment from others. The little boy who was told he’d never amount to anything is still alive and kicking inside my head. Every once in a while, he pulls me back in time to a place I thought I’d never revisit again. There’s nothing worse than being ashamed of what you are. Not only does it prevent you from seeing the good because you’re so focused on the negative, but it tricks you into thinking that somehow you don’t belong in society. You’re better off alone.

Pride is an interesting trait because it only comes when you know you deserve something. As long as we’re unsure of our value in this world, pride will never be able to enter. Self-worth is like a superpower. It frees you from all outside support. You don’t need to hear that you’re talented, or pretty, or acceptable. You know it already. With this comes an incredible amount of love for yourself, and that’s the genesis of self-pride.

Being different is never going to be easy in today’s culture. With so many voices telling us where the “standard” lies, when we don’t match it, it’s as if life ripped us off. When you’re not born with a six pack, blonde hair, blue eyes, great teeth, or don’t end up becoming president of the United States, you failed. It’s over. There’s nothing for you anymore. Trust me. Nothing can be further from the truth.

Let’s look at it on the other side, shall we? Imagine you were born however you perceive normal to be. Normal is defined as “conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.” In other words, neutral. Different is defined as “not the same as another. Distinct and separate.” If you live a neutral life, how the hell are you going to make your own path?

Being set apart from the group is the only way to be noticed and appreciated. Life is the greatest lottery ticket the universe has to offer. By being born, you are automatically worthy of everything life can give. Our differences are what make us all the same. Your differences are what make you unique. So the next time someone scorns you for being different, smile right back and say: “Thanks for the compliment.”

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10 Problems Gay Guys With BIG Sense of Humors Face on the Daily

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gay guys sense of humor

All my life I’ve had no filter. It doesn’t take much for me to clear an entire room of people or to get a party laughing like children. I love to play the comedian, but sometimes it can backfire—fast.

When you have a crude sense of humor you have to know that not everyone is going to like it, and that’s okay. It took me a while to understand the importance of knowing my audience. When it finally hit me I felt powerful and unstoppable. But sometimes when the funny bone comes so naturally to us, we can’t help to unleash it every chance we get.

Funny guys, be careful. Humor is supposed to be a shared language. It’s public, inclusive, not selfish or mean—that’s just being a bully. When your sense of humor goes above and beyond what’s appropriate, life can be a bit tricky. Here are some things you might go through:

#1) Pressure to be funny all the time. To this day I feel it not only from my friends but from myself too. After introducing yourself to the world as the “funny guy” you can’t help but feel a need to match up to it every single day. But sometimes even the best of us need a day off.

Stop What You’re Doing & Watch Todrick Hall’s ‘Hocus Broke-Us’

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gay guys - hocus broke-us

Stop everything you’re doing and watch the new Todrick Hall video. The former American Idol contestant and current host of MTV’s Todrick did it again, and this time with one of our favorite movies.

Hall’s new version of Hocus Pocus, now entitled “Hocus Broke-Us,” is so on point I can’t even deal. The movie of course originally stared Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy.

The sisters have a new look and new names: Seyonce, Kelly and Michelle. The upgrade provides a new remix and a whole 21-century updo. Check it out!

If you’re interested in seeing more of Todrick Hall’s videos, CLICK HERE.

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How to Love Yourself Again

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gay guys love yourself again

We’re too afraid to love ourselves.

There are days when all that’s left of you is a half-broken smile and a dash of hope. Everything is fine until that one hint of doubt breaks through, plummeting you down a well of bad memories.

Loving the world is easy. Loving your family and friends is easy. But loving yourself requires you to think outside a well of bad memories. You need to combat them with new ones, nourish it with compassion and plant new seeds that hopefully turn the well into a spring.

The years of self-doubt eventually become a habit. We’ve all had bad days—I’m no stranger, believe me. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years of being sad, it’s an ability to question my moral compass.

Loving yourself requires you to take a stand. Too many times we’re pushed and shoved with ideas—some so strong we can’t help but believe them—that knock our frequency off track. We feel guilty for things we shouldn’t feel guilty for, we’re angry at ourselves over things that aren’t important, and we stress over things rather than simply fixing them.

At some point we need to take responsibility. How were these ideas planted: by the world or ourselves? It might take a while, but sooner or later we all need to discover that the real culprit keeping us from loving ourselves is us.

We’re too afraid to love ourselves because it feels selfish. Trust me, as a so-called “nice guy” I thought love was something I had overstocked. I gave so much of it to the world that I knew without a doubt I had plenty of it left for myself. But at the end of the day it was I who neglected myself most.

It’s interesting what happens when we try to love the world too much. We start to think taking care of ourselves is a sacrifice one must make. Believe me, it’s not.

Would you treat someone else the same way you treat yourself?

Would you speak to someone the same way you talk about yourself?

Would you hug yourself, love yourself, or kiss yourself the same way you kiss everyone else?

There comes a moment when we realize the amount of time spent tearing ourselves a part is another second wasted from putting ourselves back together.

Self-compassion is something we teach ourselves. It’s not something we learn in school, in bible class or even our parents in most cases. In a world full of loud voices, it’s we who must filter away the ones that don’t matter.

To love is to be. Be grateful for who you are. Understand yourself. Know that in order to find your groove in this world you must float on top of your own appreciation. If you can’t love yourself how can you ask the world to do the same?

You’re more than a reflection, a job, a name, a title, a boyfriend. You’re a light in this world—with a purpose, a direction, a mind to decide what or how to get there. But most of all you have the ability to love. Relish in it.

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The 3 Things Holding You Back From Knowing Yourself

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gay guys knowing about yourself

There’s an invisible poison we unconsciously support in society. It’s rarely spoken about and rarely is it purposeful, yet in all its intention it creates a wedge in human logic.

As men we grow up believing in certain constructs: manliness, machismo, masculinity—I call it “the three M’s” for obvious reasons. As boys we’re brainwashed into thinking these are qualities we need to be a successful man. Anyone different is at risk of becoming a target.

The need to keep the three M’s visible stays with us throughout high school and sometimes into college. By the time we’re young adults we’ve convinced ourselves these qualities represent our value and worth—at least how valued we think we are by society.

The three M’s build an image and status; men try to compete for it, whether they’re gay or straight. It creates an infrastructure that ultimately builds the way we view ourselves.

In the gay community there has always been a fear of not letting go of the three M’s. We’ve convinced ourselves that a man isn’t a man without manliness, machismo or masculinity—every person has a different interpretation of what that means. But the need to hold onto social value holds us back from self-discovery.

We want men to like us, for the world to take us seriously; the three M’s are needed in order to achieve that, or so we tell ourselves. This is the seed that grows into constant self-doubt and a never-ending habit of comparing ourselves to others.

We see the consequences. Men use masculinity as an accessory. We use it to attract other guys, we use it as a tool to judge a man’s worth—we see it on hookup apps, billboards, porn, and in daily rhetoric.

As someone who doesn’t define himself as either masculine or feminine, it’s hard for me to see the meaning of it all. Can masculinity make someone a better boyfriend? Does it give me a better personality? Will it make me feel safer? Can it make me truly satisfied? Does it make me fearless?

The only way to know yourself is to rid your head of outside voices. The three M’s are tied to a their perception on you, not yours. Because our culture trains us to view ourselves from the outside-in rather than inside-out, we’ve become accustomed to viewing our value as a person by how we’re viewed as a man

As gay men it’s time to stop placing value on masculinity. Masculinity by its very nature is innate within all of us—the masculinity we use to accessorize ourselves is pretend. It’s not real; so the more we judge ourselves based on a fantasy the more inauthentic we become.

True power is a valuable commodity, and it comes from owning everything you are from the inside/out. The last thing anyone should do is form themselves around an idea—and a bad one at that.

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Marc Jacobs Quits Grindr After Giant Sex Party

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marc jacobs 10 person orgy - gay guys

The infamously horny fashion designer Marc Jacobs, 52, just announced he quit Grindr soon after a source leaked to Page Six about a recent orgy he hosted in his New York home, which hosted 10 “much younger” men.

The source described it as “wild” and that everyone was in their 20s, but people weren’t as good-looking as he’d expected: “They were average, chill people who didn’t have an attitude, which was really nice,” he told Page Six.

The source later went on to say that orgy attenders were also using a common date rape drug GHB as well as “Tina,” i.e. a form of crystal meth.

Last year, Jacobs said he only used Grindr a couple of times with his ex-boyfriend, former porn star Harry Louis: “I don’t have any hang-ups about these kinds of things. I don’t really care. Who’s kidding who?” he told Paper magazine.

But it was after news of his “wild” sex party that Jacobs posted a farewell so to speak to his Instagram.

Yup. I’m gay. Sometimes I enjoy sex. Sometimes! #stillonlyhuman #callmemarc #yourstotry…maybe.

A photo posted by Marc Jacobs (@themarcjacobs) on Oct 26, 2015 at 6:16pm PDT

And in case you’re wondering if the designer had anything to say about the sex party, he also posted a picture saying: “Wild??? I’d say “MILD”. And to whichever guest benefitted from calling this misinformation into the Post, I only wish you good health, happiness, and a long life to enjoy taking advantage of the kindness of strangers and talking shit about others. #reallyqueen?

The Gay Man’s Guide To A Perfect Rim Job

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tricks for the ultmiate rim job

The straight world lately has taken to a booty-eating craze, but gay guys have known about it since the beginning, honey. A good rim job doesn’t require a tongue alone. You need to have feeling, passion and, above all, a hell of an open mind.

It’s not like a vagina. We do not have a clitoris, obviously, but what we do have are tons of nerve endings that make us feel very happy when triggered – some dudes have less than others, which is why it’s important to explore his body a little before going to town. You want to give a perfect rim job, follow my rules:

Teasing is always pleasing.

Like other forms of foreplay, rimming requires a bit of teasing first. Work your way around the body before making him loose enough to be open. Rub his balls, massage his thighs, get his groin wet and slippery – the rest he is sure to do himself. Most teasing is a mental kind of warm up, giving him (the receiver) a wider range to give himself to you. The ultimate result is satisfaction.

Champion Figure Skater Adam Rippon Comes Out as Gay

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adam-rippon-gay-gayguys

This month’s issue of Skating magazine received a pleasant surprise when U.S. silver medalist Adam Rippon finally came out publicly as gay.

“It’s the year 2015,” he says. “So many more athletes are willing to be open, and it’s part of the culture now to be more open about who you are and what your interests are. Of course people are interested in your sexual orientation. People love rumors. When athletes come out and say that they’re gay, it makes it a little more normal and less of a big deal — especially in the athletic community. You have a lot of respect for your fellow athletes for working hard toward a goal. Their sexual orientation takes a backseat to that.”

Rippon went on to say how he (among others) considered coming out before the Sochi Olympic games, which he later didn’t qualify for. He skated in three world Championships, be has never skated the Olympics.

“I did think about it. I feel so overwhelmed that U.S. Figure Skating wants to be a part of me. It’s a huge thing to have your sport’s governing body be a part of that and to show all their athletes that they accept them for who they are and for their individual personalities. When you go out and compete, you want to represent [the organization] to the best of your ability, and you want to represent your true, authentic self. When you’re honest with yourself, you can do that. I want to be a relatable example.”

“I want to say something to the dad out there who might be concerned that his son is a figure skater,” he continues, “I mean look at me; I’m just a normal son from small-town Pennsylvania. Nothing changed. I’d just like to be a good role model. I’ve been honest with myself the whole time. I worked hard and loved what I did…. Being gay is not something that defines me. What defines me is what my mom always taught me: to treat everyone with respect, to always be a hard worker and to be kind. Those are the things that define me.”

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Do Gay Guys Secretly Want to be Demisexual?

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gay guys demisexual

Have you heard of an orientation called Demisexuality?

I hadn’t either until about three days ago, so you’re forgiven. Last week, a friend of mine came out as demisexual. After finding out what it is, the term finally made sense.

UrbanDictionary defines demisexuality as a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction. It is an orientation that is not chosen.

In other words, their sexual appetite only appears when they fall in love.

Demisexuals aren’t suppressing sexual desire; it’s simply not there until a bond is formed. They can’t look at a stranger and think, “Wow I want to f*ck him”—while they might admire a person for his or her body, the urge to have sex isn’t there until an emotional attachment is formed. The deeper the bond, the hornier they are. It’s a simple matter of the heart leading the pelvis.

I’ve been in the gay dating for a long time and if there’s one common thread I see, it’s the constant wishing. We want Prince Charming to walk through the door and carry us away, but what we fail to understand is that Prince Charming is also looking for a Prince.

We distract ourselves through hookup apps and convince each other that casual sex doesn’t desensitize us from love, but the truth is it does—we don’t want it to but it does.

As a writer I’ve interviewed countless of single gay guys from around the country. By far most of them express a requirement for physical attraction, and admittedly it’s the thirst for visual/physical/sexual attraction that leads our hearts rather than the other way around.

Men will always be men—we’re visual and can’t help it. I’m not going to lie and say that sexual attraction isn’t important from the get-go. It is. But I can’t wonder how easier (or better) my life would be if I were demisexual.

It seems like single gay guys want to be demisexual. Their wishes and dreams often sound like the construct of demisexuality: “I wish I found a guy who doesn’t always think about sex,” “I want sex to mean something,” “Gay guys always want a hot body right now rather than taking time to fall in love.”

Do gay guys secretly want the life of a demisexual? It seems like the soul, mind and body of demisexuals are perfect solutions to a long-lived preconception some gay guys try to separate from: promiscuity, casual sex, 24/7 horniness.

We are who we are. I know I’m not a demisexual and that’s okay. I accept it. Sexual attraction is very real for me at first impression—demisexuals might never know what that’s like and that’s okay too.

But the idea of demisexuality seems to be the very wish gay guys often try to bestow on each other to no end; then they get angry if it doesn’t hold out. But they also can’t be surprised.

The answer is to find a happy medium.

A man whose pelvis leads his heart is as much in trouble as a man whose heart leads his pelvis. In this world, both will get us in trouble. Whatever the case may be, sex and love can exist on the same plane without interfering if you truly allow them to do their role. Be truthful with yourself.

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9 Fun Halloween Dates For You & Your Man

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gay guys halloween date ideas

It’s no secret that this is my favorite time of year. In fact I always circle the exact day Starbucks starts selling fall-flavored drinks. But it’s more than about pumpkin flavored lattes; it’s about conjuring the magic All Hallows Eve brings—with your man!

Personally I’ve gone on countless of dates with men over the years around this time, and it’s always great. A regular dinner and movie doesn’t have to be vanilla. You have options (and a smart phone) to do heavy research! Take advantage of it. Here are a few ideas:

#1) Surprise Pumpkin Carving With Wine.

What makes it a surprise is that you can’t tell each other what you’re carving until it’s revealed. It’s always better when the image your carving means something to him: either an inside joke or an actual adoration for something. I once knew a guy who carved “Will You Marry Me?” during a surprise pumpkin carving. Sweet, eh?! Play the music, pour the wine and start the giggles. It’s always a pleaser.

Gay Domestic Abuse: What Are The Signs?

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How To Spot The Signs Of Domestic Abuse - Gay guys

Gay domestic abuse is something that should never be accepted, encouraged, or settled into. In the gay community, especially, it is much more difficult to handle. The universal fear of judgment and denial becomes intertwined with discrimination and lack of support.

Abuse comes in various cycles like physical, emotional, psychological, humiliation, and degradation. Often times, the victim feels fearful, isolated, insecure, and even guilty. The shame that comes from being abused (Why did I let this happen? What did I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me?) can prevent one from seeing the truth…

What Are Some Typical Signs Of Gay Domestic Abuse?

  • Notice how he speaks to you. Language is one of the many tools an abuser has to keep a victim helpless and submissive. Name calling, degrading insults, and undermining your accomplishments are strong weapons that are commonly used. The more often an abuser calls you names, the more susceptible you are in believing it yourself.
  • Ownership of your time. If your partner begins to keep you from friends, family, and things you like to do, it is always going to escalate. He is slowly taking ownership of you, and over time, you may start to loose important people in your life because of it. You are no one’s item or possession.
  • Overreaction and Jealousy. Jealousy is the aftermath of possession and ownership. No one should feel like their partner needs to decide all of their decisions for them. When he begins to insist on going everywhere with you, he’s trying to “keep an eye” on you. This is a major beginning to an ultimate imbalance of power.
  • Superiority. If he starts to convince you that everything you say and do is wrong and everything he does is right, be aware of an easy transition into possession. Sometimes this is hard to see, because it can feel like “teasing.” However, there’s a difference between a mutual compromise and an abuse of character.
  • Investigate his home life. How does he treat his family? We are all a result of how we were raised in some form or another. If he’s rude or slightly abusive towards his parents, just imagine how he might treat your children. During the honeymoon phase, you both are still trying to be on your best behavior. Start trying to see your future. It’s easy for him to hide his behavior in front of parents – whether it’s his or yours – so be aware.
  • Does he let you have a stance? When you are always saying “yes” to your partner, you are giving him the message that he is always going to get his way. It’s all in the details. Whether it’s about what movie you want to watch, shirt you want to wear, dates and places you want to go, every resolution needs to be met with compromise. If you never get your way in any circumstance, you are slowly convincing him that he is dominant over your choices.
  • Does he pressure you? We all have our limits on things, and if he doesn’t accept yours, it’s clear that he doesn’t respect them. When he puts tremendous pressure on you to move faster than you wish, he may become impatient and will start to show signs of a short temper, especially when things don’t happen as quick as he wants them to. This is a sign of him wanting to control not just you, but the trajectory of the partnership.
  • Comparison to other people. When he says things like”You’re just like your mother” or “Why’d you cut your hair that way? You should do this…” or “Why can’t you be like___,” he is attempting to mold you into the ideal person he thinks you should be, because you’re not good enough for him. Don’t let him change you.
  • Arguments. How do you argue? Calm? Intense? A few minutes? Way into the night? How long before he starts to call you names? Start taking notes on these things as they happen, you may surprise yourself at what you find. If he escalates to a temper tantrum, he’s trying to get his way and has no intention of compromising.
  • Do you hold your self back? No one should be anything other than their full potential in a relationship. If you are constantly feeling like you need to walk on eggshells around him, just to keep from fighting, there is an issue. A relationship needs to be 100% of yourself. Don’t feel like you need to be careful or timid in order to make him happy. Most importantly, never feel like you need to stop growing in your career or other passions to please his ego.
  • Fear is the number one sign. If you are truly afraid of him, you should never allow yourself to be around him. When you dread him coming home or hate going over to his place, this is your intuition telling you to run. Love feels good – it should never hurt nor be fearful of.
  • Physical Abuse. This doesn’t even need to be with you. Watch how he treats animals and inanimate objects. This is clearly a sign of a very short temper and it’s only a matter of time before he transfers it to you. If he begins to physically assault you, whether it’s a grab, a throwing of an object at you, a push, a shove, a hit, a punch or spitting, it’s NEVER acceptable. Recognize the signs early. Unattended abuse never relinquishes, it always escalates.

If you or someone you know has been victim to domestic abuse, you are not alone. Studies have shown that 1 in 3 people involved in a gay relationship experience domestic abuse. Thankfully, there are wonderful organizations and hotlines out there that will keep all your information private and uphold the maximum of confidentiality. No one should be afraid to speak out.

Contact the GLBTQ Domestic Violence Project

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