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Why 20-Something Gay Guys Need to Get Over Their Quarter-Life Crisis

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gay guys mid life crisis

If youth and beauty were things we cared about, you’d think 25-year olds would stop bitching already. But in today’s world everyone has to have something to complain about, even if the things we complain about are petty and foolish.

The trouble is we’ve all been there. I was there not too long ago.

When you’re in your mid-twenties and there seems to be nothing going for you, we tend to sink in a pothole. We think all the things we’ve worked hard at—school, jobs, relationships—failed. We’re losers without a purpose in life. We’re done, kaput, lost forever.

What we don’t understand is that this is the beginning of life’s greatest test.

It’s normal to feel this way as a young adult, especially today. Did you get that? It’s normal to feel this way. During these years there are so many options are heart and souls ache from all the indecisiveness. We’re still young, which means we don’t know what’s waiting around the corner yet because we haven’t been there.

Feeling lost seems to be a normal thing nowadays. Social media highlights the successes of our friends, which in turn makes us feel lousy we aren’t even close to their accomplishments. Life is an ongoing game of comparison, which excels any kind of crisis we may have in our mid-twenties.

Because we’ve all been at this place in our lives, most people in their thirties know it’s a pivotal moment. Despite the hopelessness you might feel, it all depends on how you handle it. You’re always going to have doubt—that’s inevitable. The trick is continuing your plans (or make better ones) in spite of whatever short-lived situational depression you feel.

On my 25th birthday I sat at a children’s playground eating a salad with $5 in my bank account and a broken phone. I had nothing to my name and virtually limited options—I thought I threw away all my shots and chances at making gold. This was not how I imagined life to be at this time. I thought I’d be successful, with a boyfriend and living the high life in New York City.

The biggest lesson you need to learn is that we all go at our own pace.

A quarter-life crisis isn’t really a crisis. It’s a panic. We’re pressured to speed up time and progress so that our reality will be matched with the fantasy life we built in our heads. You see, when we’re kids, 25 is old—like real old. My mom had my sister when she was 23, she had me at 26, so to me 25 was “Dad” age. For many, it is.

But the reason why we panic isn’t because we aren’t where we’re supposed to be; it’s because we aren’t where we thought we’d be, or perhaps where are friends are. But the grass is always greener on the other side—your friend who has a husband and children might think your single bead-throwing life is fabulous, while you think the opposite.

The more you dwell on what you don’t have the more bitterness you’re going to evoke. You’re going to hate the world because you feel like it f*cked you over, which will begin a life long habit of blaming the world (this is how you get to be a bitter 60-year old). So many thoughts will pile on top of each other that prevent you from focusing on what you need to focus on.

If the situation you’re in depresses you, then change the situation. That simple. If you aren’t happy, believe me, when you stop comparing yourself to others and continue to ripen as an adult and professional in society, your spirit is going to grow out of it. Don’t lose sight of what’s important even if you think you’re in shambles.

These are the years you need to prove yourself right rather than proving yourself wrong. You got this.

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How to Survive a Gay Breakup

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how to survive a breakup

It’s Never Going to be Easy…

Nothing good has ever happened without the demise of something else equally as great. In order to experience the new, we have to mourn the old—that’s life.

Regardless of how a relationship ended, it’s always hard to create a new habit for yourself when both mentally and emotionally. After investing our heart and soul in a man who made us feel special, how the hell can we retrain our souls to find peace without completely falling to pieces in the process?

Our spirits have been tattered, and we tend to forget what it looked like before all this happened—full-fledged laughter, the joy, a fearless smile—we’ve forgotten it all.

It’s time to paste ourselves back together.

The process is never going to be easy. As fast as it took for our world to crumble it might be a thousand times slower for it to come back together. But like any habit, it starts with readjusting our daily rituals until they become second nature—in this case it’s about rebuilding the person we once were:

Cut ties with friends who make you feel like it was your fault. After my last breakup I had friends who would literally say, “You know, he’s handling this way more maturely than you are…” or “Maybe you can really learn about this. What do you think you could have done better in the relationship?” Trust me, you do not need this right now. They might have good intentions, but they clearly don’t know the context.

Watch videos that make you laugh. Trigger a part of your brain that makes you feel goofy. Visit it again and let it evoke more joy. It’s like giving your soul a refresher, which is much needed when you’re feeling down in the dumps.

Only smile when it’s genuine. Nothing kills a soul more than when you lie to yourself. Forcing a smile when, deep down, you’re incredibly sad can do damage. After a while you’ll probably resent smiling at all. Learn how to smile again with authenticity, not because you’re trying to force joy to come.

Delete Grindr. The last thing you want is for strangers to come over and have sex with you when the whole time you’re thinking of your ex. Believe me, it’s going to be healing. It will have the opposite effect.

Don’t make this about you. The second you start thinking he broke up with you because you weren’t good enough, it will bleed into all aspects of your life. Self-doubt will become a routine thing, and all your creative juices and genuine qualities will get drowned in blackness. Never blame yourself.

Get rid of him, digitally. By this I mean block him from Facebook and all other social media outlets. You might need to work your way up to it because, hey, we’re human and require time to build the courage. But the second you do is when you actually start a healing process.

Fake it till you make it. You’d be surprised what a little sense of confidence can do for rebuilding. Even if it’s somewhat exaggerated, eventually your mind starts to unconsciously mold around that mainframe. It’s okay to hurt, but every once in a while go out in the world and be bold, brave and fearless. It’s crucial.

Always choose love. Never let him turn your heart cold or bitter. He’s never going to be a good enough excuse for you to become hateful towards the world, yourself or your work. In your core, you are a great person. Obey yourself, not some shmuck that didn’t how good you were when he had you. Always choose love, not hate.

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What To Do When Your Man Is Too Aggressive In Bed

What to do When Your Man is Too Aggressive in Bed

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gay guys too agressive bed

I’ve dated some pretty aggressive tops and real aggressive bottoms in my life. Don’t get me wrong, there were days when I wanted to be pounded like yeast, but I’m sure we all can agree that too much aggression is never a good thing.

First of all, you need to be a particular kind of bottom to love aggressive tops. It is anal sex after all… some guys like it rough, but most don’t. Still, even the most powered of bottoms don’t like to be treated like a jackhammer day in and day out, so here’s what you gotta know:

Aggression is release. In other words whatever aggression coming out of the man you’re f*cking is actually a need for relief in some capacity. He might think he just likes it rough, but at the end of the night he needs to release some kind of stress, which isn’t a bad thing at all (everyone needs release, am I right?). But knowing this will help your communication moving forward.

One thing you need to ask yourself is: Where is the line for me? Figure out how much is too much aggression and why. What does he do that crosses the line of comfort—is it one particular thing, too much of one particular thing, or a lot of small different things?

Having an understanding of where the limits are for you should help you stop him before he gets too far. It’s a great thing for you just as much as it is for him because the last thing he wants (I’m sure) is for his boyfriend to be uncomfortable. Holding him accountable about when to stop creates awareness for both of you, which will guide you both to a middle ground.

Over-exaggerate your discomfort just to plant a small seed in his head. If he’s not an asshole, he’ll stop and ask if you’re okay. This is an opportunity for you to say, “I’m fine… just not so rough.” You won’t be hurting his feelings this way. On the contrary, he will care more about what he can do to better your feelings.

A relationship is meant to ripen and grow and expand into other kinds of expressions. It’s okay for you to talk to your man about it. If this is a new thing, be sure to check in and see if anything is bothering him—like I said, aggression is a release of suppression. Find out what’s suppressing him and you might be able to get a bit of sensuality back.

Sex should have many flavors other than vanilla, so don’t be afraid of a little aggression. In fact, some studies show that it’s those whom we love we tend to express aggression towards most. That should be a good thing, right?

Don’t worry. You’re not a prude nor are you boring at sex if you think your man is a bit too aggressive. Trust me, too much of anything is always going to be boring. Fix your sex life, honey. It’s easier said than done. All it requires is a bit of effort. The more you let it happen, the more you silence yourself, the more you give him control of everything, the less you will be satisfied. That ain’t good.

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Can Gay Guys Have a Romantic Relationship Without Sex?

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relationships without sex
As I listen to the sounds of my man taking a shower after a long (and I mean long) session of love making, I wonder how life can get any better than this. Two men in love expressing their lust for each other seems to be the only way to express passion—still, there are plenty of gay guys who believe in platonic intimacy.

One couple I know who’ve been together for over thirty years are an example. I asked them once what the secret to a long-lasting relationship is, they said, “We don’t have sex. Sex f*cks everything up.”

I thought they were joking at first, but turns out they were dead serious. “We have sex with other people, sure, sex is important for men to have. But when it comes to us, our relationship is based on more than that—it’s friendship, love, trust. Sex doesn’t have any place in that. We decided a long time ago to rid ourselves from it, and it works. I’ve never been so in love and devoted to anyone in my entire life. He’s my best friend.”

It might be difficult to wrap your head around. After all, we’ve all seen the Asexual groups at Pride parades. Often times they want to be included in our march for equality, but many times gay guys brush them aside. We think they’re trying to get people to not have sex, which, let’s face it, isn’t exactly on the gay man’s menu.

But platonic relationships have nothing to do with asexuality. They have sex (just not with each other). Asexuals claim to not have the typical sex drive as everyone else—they rely on emotional, mental and spiritual love.

Are there benefits to not having sex with your partner?

A relationship without sex might as well be a business partnership. He pays the bills, you do the dishes, he tells the joke, you finish the punch line, he rubs your back, you rub his, he confesses his love, you do the same etc. To me, it sounds like romance without sex might even be more intimate than one with it.

Personally I’m all about sex, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand the appeal of platonic relationships. I have many gay guys in my life who I don’t have sex with, yet we’re the best of friends. While there might be silent tension, I know it will never come to fruition.

Comparatively, when a man is involved in an intimate relationship there is a greater possibility for sex, which stimulates the fantasies and libido to no end. Perhaps that’s the reason why their love might grow—the tension creates a tighter bond like a never-ending buildup to foreplay.

I know it’s possible for gay guys to have a relationship without sex because I’ve seen it happen successfully. I may not understand it fully, but trust me when I say there are plenty of happy couples out there who would rather snuggle on the couch and watch Netflix than a weekend of sex. Personally, if it were up to me I’d settle for both at the same time.

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How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself

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life gay guys

The greatest motto any human being can have is: “SO WHAT!”

Human beings know how to be afraid. We taught ourselves to always be on the lookout for danger—thousands of years running from beasts in our hunter/gatherer days will do that to you.

Fear is an evolutionary present from years passed. Some of us have managed to talk ourselves out of it, but sadly most of us choose to sit in it every single day. I don’t blame them.

I don’t blame them because fear is comfortable. We’re used to it by now that it’s become a default emotion without permission. It’s home. We live in it and, ironically, feel safe inside because at the end of the day fear masks itself as an excuse: “I can’t do that because blah-blah…” “This is a waste of time because blah-blah…” “I don’t want to do it, what if he blah-blah…”

The excuses pile up and before you know it, you sabotage all your chances.

Doubt is a fanciful notion fueled by fear. We made it all up, and the only way we can get over it is by truly accepting the fact that “doubt” is NOT real. It’s a voice, a character, we’ve made up in our heads to support an idea that we are unworthy so we won’t feel like we’re crazy. We need backup, so we cast “doubt” to be the antagonist of our lives.

But instead of using doubt as backup to prove our unworthiness right, why not dig deeper to find an emotion to prove our unworthiness wrong?

We open ourselves up to sabotage every single day. I can’t wake up in the morning without bringing some form of negativity to an otherwise wholesome day. It’s a habit, but like all habits it can be reversed and replaced with a healthier one.

The way our minds work makes sense. We’re always going back to the memories we hold on to most—that time we completely embarrassed ourselves, the night we put our foot in our mouth, that time we did something we totally regret. So naturally when we’re in a situation that’s somewhat similar to this memory, we seem to assume it will have the same result.

We are exactly what we hold onto. Trust me, the greatest motto any human being can ever have is: “SO WHAT!”

We sabotage ourselves because we’re forcing our present to repeat the mistakes of our past. But no more. Today is the day we’re going to rise up from the ashes and march forward in spite of fear, regardless of our past and without our evil friend “doubt.”

The only person keeping us from achieving what we want in life is our self. Whatever situation life has given us should NEVER be an excuse (that’s fear talking). There’s always a way to grow and it first comes from letting go of bad memories that weigh you down and instead try building a new portfolio full of great ones.

Stop trying to prove yourself wrong all the time. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re fabulous—then dig into a well of experiences to prove this fact RIGHT. Everything we are comes out of that well, so you better fill it with positive vibes otherwise you’ll be digging for crabs instead of apples.

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Should You Only Stay With Your Man Because The Sex is Great?

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gay guys relationships sex

Great sex isn’t the same as chemistry.

The feeling of prepping yourself to break up with your BF only to arrive at his place seeing him fresh from the shower smelling great then deciding to stall until after the sex—I’ve been there more times than I care to discuss.

I’m not gonna lie and say that sex doesn’t have power over us. We’re men, of course it does. But really great sex, well, that’s a superpower.

You’re not truly satisfied with him (you think he’s boring, greedy, selfish, whatever it is), but when you’re lying in bed together—his soft warm lips traveling hitting those money spots, making your spine shiver and knees buckle—everything is put on hold. Is that ever a good thing?

Here’s what I know. Sex is short-term, but a relationship has long-term effects that often become planted in our psyche. We dig from this well when fishing for future boyfriends; in many cases we will use these memories to dictate our own self-worth. So when it comes to our futures, sex is not important, which ought to make it easy to sacrifice, right? Easier said than done.

Great sex isn’t the same as chemistry. Chemistry is emotionally and spiritually charged, but sex is psychologically and physically stimulated. You can have an amazing connection with a man in life but have bad sex in the bedroom. Similarly, you can have amazing sex with someone yet have next to zero connection in your relationship.

The reason why we get confused is because the world stops when we’re having great sex. We’re completely present—all our problems are gone for the time being and everything that exists is lying beside us. It’s like being in a trance, a zen-like state we try to visit over and over again. The trouble comes when we try to make life imitate that feeling.

Too often we want the relationship to be as good as the sex, so we’ll compensate for it. We’ll try and force it, but in the end you can’t fake chemistry.

By staying with your man just for the sex, you’re therefore defining the entire relationship as that. Everything else—your heart, your wellbeing, your dignity—takes a backseat. Your penis wins again (surprise, surprise). It all comes down to a choice: what is more important, your heart or your penis?

Believe me when I say you do not want to waste your time with a person who isn’t speaking to your heart. Relationships are partnerships with strings attached. A boyfriend is supposed to build you up, make you feel great about yourself, and let you know that he has your back 100%–so what if he gives a great blowjob, if he isn’t doing any of the rest, what’s the point?

Should you stay with your man because he’s great at sex? That’s like asking should you stay at the restaurant because the waiter is nice… at the end of the day, sex lasts as long as it lasts, but the long-term effects of a boyfriend continues on in your memory bank long after it’s over.

I’m all for good sex, but there comes a time when you need to stop thinking about your penis and start thinking about yourself. What is worth more to you?

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Why Being Good is Better Than Being Nice

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gay guys

A nice guy holds your coat, but a good guy holds your heart.

Niceness is a quality many gay guys strive for, but most of us fail to see that the importance of being good outweighs even the nicest, kindest or most gentle dudes amongst us.

Good men know their worth and they have a backbone because of it. They’re not afraid to dive into a pool of possibilities because, to them, being good to themselves is just as important as being good to others.

I’ve dated many nice guys—hell, at one point in my life I was the King of Nice. I always wondered why the guys I liked always went for the bad boys. I put men on a pedestal, placing their needs above mine, and often skipped over my true opinions so I wouldn’t hurt the people I loved.

I had it all wrong.

You see, I’ve come to learn that being nice is something we’re taught as children in school: “Be nice David,” “Say you’re sorry,” “We’re going to be nice today, okay?” “If you’re not nice, Santa won’t bring you any presents…” were things I heard constantly.

Well into my teenage years I began to associate niceness with being submissive; making other people comfortable and getting people to like me were all that mattered—that was being “nice.” Eventually it bled into the way I treated potential boyfriends.

There’s a reason why we say nice guys finish last. It’s because they’re happy to finish last (they don’t want it any other way). It’s a sacrifice they believe will give bring them respect. Giving the trophy to someone else, bending over backwards so other people can be happy and think highly of them, is something nice guys like to do because it makes them feel validated. Doing nice things for validation or social expectation doesn’t make you a nice person; it’s kind of selfish.

There’s a difference between doing nice things and doing good deeds.

Being a good person requires you to see the bigger picture. It involves trust, dependency and awareness of the world. You don’t need to surround yourself with fake people in order to feel secure about your value. Your focus isn’t on trying to get people to like you, but rather living authentically and knowing you’re enough regardless.

A good guy has a purpose and respects others as individuals rather than a piece of ass or someone who can give him something. A good guy believes in himself and inspires others to believe in themselves. He spends just as much time on his own projects than he might with helping other people on theirs.

The line between being nice and being good is thin. It’s a divide we feel internally rather than consciously. We know it when we see it, yet we hardly ever look for it in ourselves.

There is so much desperation in the gay community today. We want to be liked, we want to be respected, we want people to think we’re sexy—we also want to think we’re sexy ourselves. The game of people pleasing is dangerous; if we find a way to redirect it towards ourselves—have us be the judge rather than the world—perhaps, then, we can find our own goodness.

We are exactly what we say we are.

I used to call myself a nice guy (perhaps you still do), but I urge you to take a step back and reevaluate the term. You shouldn’t ever strive for people to think you’re a nice person—that’s so uninteresting. Instead, strive for them to know you’re a good person with a good heart and strong character.

The way to find goodness is to have courage to build it. Remind yourself of the goodness that’s in your heart and carry it like a torch. You know how much you’re worth, but so long as you keep giving it away for nothing, your value will slowly decline.

Do the right thing rather than what’s popular–every time.

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gay guys being a stand up guy

The biggest trait people respect in others is genuineness. It’s hard to find these days because we’re so busy trying to be something else. Authenticity is a quality we all want to be around, but after years of building masks, how can we find courage to let them all go?

I’ve learned countless of lessons in my life, all of which have helped me know more about myself. Sometimes there are things we can’t control in this world, but if there’s one thing we all have power of, it’s our character. Once we have control of that, everything else magically falls in place.

More Straight Guys Sexually Experimented With Men Than Ever Before

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straight guys

… even more than women!

Get ready to renew that gym membership (or at least move to Britain). A new report by The Independent reports that over 49% of British men between the ages of 18 – 24 identify as something other than “heterosexual” when asked to place themselves on Kinsey’s sexuality scale.

You think society encourages women to experiment with each other? Well guess what…

More men reported to have had a gay experience than women.

20% (that’s one in five) guys compared to 14% females said they partook in a sexual experience with someone of the same sex.

A survey by YouGove interviewed 1,632 people between 18 and 60+ years old. Young people reported being the most sexually fluid (that’s a given). Less than half of the 18 to 24-year olds said they considered themselves totally straight—compared to 43% who said they are bisexual. 89% of people over 60-years old identify as being on the far side of the spectrum (either completely straight or completely gay).

It seems that young people nowadays are starting to see the world less black and white—is this a good thing?

I admit, from a single man’s standpoint, it does peek my interest. There’s an increasingly open minded approach to sexuality that men of this generation experience more than their fathers before them.

But what about America?

Are American guys as keen as our foreign ancestors are at being open with sexuality? The machismo mindset is alive and well (I don’t think that will ever go away). They might have sex with other guys or get blow jobs from them, but the last thing they’ll admit is that they’re “curious” or, gasp, “bisexual.”

Whatever our fate may be, it looks pretty damn bright to me. So the next time you think a straight guy is scanning you down and up at your local Target, don’t be so quick to dismiss it.

 

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The Trouble With Being Average Looking in the Gay Community

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gay guys average looking

I can’t help but look around me and question whether or not I belong. Magazines, online publications (yes, even this one), and nearly every TV show might show a gay couple cuddling up against each other, which is fantastic for progress, but I still can’t help but wonder something…

Why is it that the only images we have of gay men in love look like supermodels?

Don’t hate me. I love Steven Grand just as much as the next guy, but do we love him because of his music or is it because he looks like a superhero? Are gay guys so easily manipulated into thinking someone one is more valid simply because of what he looks like?

It’s not just Steve Grand I’m talking about.

As someone who is particularly average looking, I’m constantly third best. We’ve brainwashed ourselves into thinking that value lies in how f*ckable we are. If a man can’t imagine having sex with me for the rest of his life, there’s a slim chance we’re going on a second date. I can’t sneak inside his mind to change it, so where does that leave me?

When I was a boy, my mother constantly validated me. “You’re the most handsome boy in the whole school. Don’t tell anyone.” She would say. We made it a game and it was always fun to pretend we were stars. But at some point I became an adult and realized there were judgments in the world I couldn’t control, and I had to adjust.

The trouble is that it’s hard for anyone to see past what I look like before assessing my value. It’s something we habitually do without thinking of the consequences. We’re used to judging the package rather than seeing what’s inside.

I’ve seen gay guys watch viral videos of gorgeous gay couples on Instagram and whisper to themselves, “Oh my god. I want that.” And you know what? I want it too. But I can’t help but wonder if it’s the relationship we want, or if we just want to be a hot guy dating another hot guy—like a romantic gay porn film.

The truth is we want both. We want to be hot and we want a hot boyfriend, but we can’t have a hot boyfriend if we’re not hot ourselves (or so we believe). So it’s a never-ending circle, and no matter where we’re at, we always believe we can do better—our dates can be hotter, our face can be more masculine, our attitude can be manlier, our image can be tweaked etc.

An average looking person in the gay community tends to think he is never enough, yes, partly because he doesn’t have enough confidence, but also in large part because the world doesn’t light up when they see us.

When I walk into a room and someone’s face lights up, I’m destined to be a better person. I’m inspired to find whatever it is that made so-and-so beam. But lately it seems like average looking men are finding it harder to see this kind of affirmation. Hot guys, however, find it the second they leave their apartments.

It’s always been about looks, and it’s never going to change. But at the very least can we start thinking about why it is we’re drawn to particular kinds of dudes? As men we’ve always thought with our penises, but don’t you think it’s time we stop being hypnotized? It’s a long shot I know.

Seeing a man’s face light up when he sees you is a gift. But it’s more than showing validation, it’s about affirming existence. Underneath our clothes, our skin, is a soul that’s just as equal as any man’s. We’re all in this together, you know. Why not love each other?

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10 Signs He’s Worth a Second Date

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gay guys nice guys

Dating is supposed to be fun, but more often than not we leave not really sure if he’s worth it or not. I’ve always said if you have to question it, it’s probably a no. There’s no use in trying to convince yourself of something, or force yourself to feel something that isn’t there.

But it’s hard as hell sometimes, right? After all, many of us don’t experience love at first sight so we try and intellectualize it: “Is it bad that he did this…” “What does this/that mean…?” Trust me, there’s nothing wrong with thinking too hard, but if you ask me a man is only worth a second date when he proves himself through actions:

#1) Both of you ignore your phones unconsciously because you’re actually into each other. No Facebook, Instagram, emails, and God-forbid, Grindr. Somehow a magical feeling overcame you both and you’re gravitated up and outward towards one another. That’s an energy you can’t ignore.

How to be the Sexiest Dude in the Room

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gay guys sex appeal

…it’s easier than you think.

Being sexy has nothing to do with your body, hair or how great your smolder glistens in the morning. Sexiness is something indescribable. It’s a feeling.

Sexiness is energy. It’s the ability to sneak inside a man’s head so you’re there long after you aren’t around. You affect the people around you because you’re an authentic being. You’re not pretending, you’re approachable and absolutely genuine.

Think about the feeling we get when we see a hot jogger running shirtless across the street—we usually go, “Mmm.” Now imagine those occasions when we run into a man that reeks of allure. He might not be shirtless but he affects us on a deeper level—we usually go, “Wow…”

The difference between “Wow” and “Mmm” are huge.

“Mmm” is about being eye candy.. There’s nothing wrong with being eye candy, of course, but it’s always short-lived. It lasts until someone of equal or greater physical attraction arrives. But “Wow” sticks with you. It’s the kind of feeling that, after achieving it once, becomes a quality you start looking for in others.

The difference between the two is feeling–not how you feel, but how you make others feel?

How do you make people feel? Do you make them want to be happy? Do they feel somewhat judged, which pressures them to try and impress you? Do you make them feel okay to be themselves?

The secret to being sexy isn’t how you feel about yourself, but how you make others feel about themselves.

When you make a man feel comfortable around you, he’s going to associate that feeling with you always. He’s also going to be open enough to trust you and let you into his heart, and perhaps even more dangerous, his mind.

The main ingredient you need to have is authenticity. Know who you are and refuse to pretend to be anyone else. I can’t tell you how many gay guys tell me the greatest quality they love in a guy is genuineness. Especially nowadays, genuineness is hard to come by. It seems like everyone plays a character to some extent. Believe me, when you are presenting someone fake the world is going to know and automatically become uneasy around you.

When you know yourself you will naturally gain more confidence, which is another trait to be sought after. Confidence gives you the courage to look a man in the eyes without fear—to break the walls and go from being strangers to friends.

Unapologetic affection is contagious. Every once in a while we need to remind ourselves that no matter what is happening around the world or in our own lives, all we have is the love we give to each other. Carry that love and give it to others. Make them feel loved by you—show your affection without hesitation.

When a man tries to be sexy, he’s never going to achieve it. This we know. Everyone knows it. To be the sexiest man in the room you need to make people feel something rather than look at something. Reach in your heart and switch on the light; trust me, the second you rack up courage to spread love around, you will ultimately become a star.

At the end of the day, sexiness is found in 100% truth. Be yourself and be proud to show others. This inspires to do the same–the result is magical.

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Let’s Talk About Gay Guys Who Hate Gay People

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The root of all hatred is misunderstanding.

We all have those friends who call it like they see it. They tell the truth no matter how it hurts—sometimes it’s for the better, other times not so much. But when the topics change to something more divisive, like say, bashing other gay guys, does it become hate speech?

I encounter gay men all the time that seem to hate gay people. They’re drenched in internalized homophobia and it blinds them from living their lives with a sense of purpose other than convincing the world they’re different from the rest of us. I grew up around these people.

Being from the south, I encountered gay-bashers at school, at work, even at gay events. Is there an invisible line we tend to have with each other that exists on the spectrum of how “gay” we are?

There are plenty of guys out there who have an issue with the stereotypes we face every day. Trust me I know how frustrating it can be, but there’s a clear line between having an issue with social perception and straight-up hating a person. While these people think it has to do with taste or conformity, it really has to do with insecurity.

The root of all hatred is misunderstanding. But how can we get to a place where we understand each other if we won’t even try to understand ourselves?

Fear makes us resent people. It keeps us hidden inside a bubble of bitterness because we’re too ignorant to analyze our demons. We’d rather blame everyone, target them and make them feel less-than—segregation in our own community. So when a gay man says he hates gay people, what does he really mean?

What he really means is that he hates feminine gay guys—after all, that’s who society trains us to resent. While we try to make the world more accepting of different lifestyles, it’s resentment that holds us back. What we’re really saying is you can be anything you want to be… just don’t be a fairy.

It’s time to stop caring about everyone else and start fixing our own lives. Saying we hate other gay guys is a pretty intense thing to say without asking ourselves why, don’t you think?

The more time we waste running our mouths about why we hate stereotypical gay guys, the more weight we add to our own sadness. There’s no need to go through life associating gay people with our personal struggles of acceptance. The only person who can fix it is ourselves—start today.

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How to Flirt When You’re Socially Awkward

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There are way more socially awkward people than ever before. We’ve gotten so used to interacting with each other on phones or behind our laptops that the idea of going out and being social gives terrifies the bejesus out of us. But if you really want a boyfriend, you need to put your money where your mind is.

Being a socially awkward person has its benefits, mind you. You’re almost always the first one to sense inconsistencies in people, and chances are you know yourself really really well. But not everyone is going to see you for the hot commodity you are until you allow yourself to be seen.

There needs to be a genuine effort from you. It’s hard out there for even the most outgoing people, so for guys like us it can be tricky.

Listen, rather than think.

When I see a guy I like it can get awkward pretty fast, but when I backtrack I realize the reason why it became awkward in the first place was because I overthought everything: what I looked like, my body language, my words—as a result I became a stuttering weirdo.

Change your habit. Instead of thinking so much (or rather overthinking), start centering yourself and listening more. When you listen you react naturally and with instinct; not to mention it’s also easier to block out the rest of the room, making him feel important.

Equip yourself with assets.

By that I mean know what you’re good at—hone them, turn them into confidence and self-esteem. Overall this is a small percentage of what you’re worth (you’re actually worth so much more).

When you’re confident in the person you are and what you have to offer to the world, you’re always going to present yourself in a more lucrative way. You’ll be proud of what you’re selling. You know you’re just as (if not more) worthy than anyone else to find love and you’ll display that energy up and out for people to see. At the end of the day you won’t have to say a word to anyone so long as you do the internal work, first.

Be a big boy.

By that I mean be mature enough to know your boundaries. It’s hard when you already feel like you don’t fit in socially, I know, but at the same time there is an unspoken awareness of “space” we all need to abide by.

The last thing anyone wants is a guy who follows them everywhere, stares at them over a drink and keeps trying to flirt by touching and caressing. Believe me, maturity is more than just about yourself—it’s also about consideration of others. Own yourself.

Don’t hide how you feel.

Trust yourself more often. It’s hard sometimes to try and show a man how you feel about him out of fear that you’ll f*ck it up and he’ll think you’re a total weirdo (again!). But there are plenty of ways to make your contact suggestive without being invasive.

Holding eye contact, smiling and minor teasing are all playful things you can do to let him come into you without feeling like you’re giving too much.

Stop shaming yourself.

Believe me, no one is judging you for anything (you haven’t done anything for us to judge, silly!). I’m shocked at how many people enter a conversation with a built in assumption that the world is judging them—they instantly start shaming themselves and become defensive for no reason. Stop it!

The reason why you might think others are judging you is because, deep down, you’re judging yourself. You’re incredibly uncomfortable with whatever situation you find yourself in and all of a sudden, you think everything is against you. Start being on your own side!

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Grindr Study Shows How Many Guys Are On PrEP

Grindr Did a Study to Find Out How Many Users Are on PrEP

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This year, Grindr teamed up with the San Francisco AIDS Foundation (SFAF) and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to survey thousands of Grindr users on PrEP to find out who uses (and who doesn’t) and why.

  • 5% reported to be on PrEP.
  • 7% claimed to be interested in trying it in the future.
  • 35% of those considering it were worried about remembering to take a pill every day.
  • 51% of those interested in taking PrEP were worried they didn’t know enough about it.
  • 37% of those who said they didn’t want to try it admitted the lack of information was part of the reason why.
  • 17% of those wanting to try it admitted that anxiety about talking to their doctor was why they hadn’t started.
  • 21% of those wanting to try the drug admitted they weren’t out to their doctor.
  • 6% of those who were on PrEP were also not out to their doctor.

It seems like a lack of information is the biggest anchor that delays an education on sexual health. While many gay guys claim that PrEP isn’t for them, the fact that 51% of interested users were worried they didn’t know enough about it is a bit worrisome.

PrEP is a life saver. No one should be left from an opportunity to educate themselves about it. Check out the video below for a better understanding:

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