I’ve dated some pretty aggressive tops and real aggressive bottoms in my life. Don’t get me wrong, there were days when I wanted to be pounded like yeast, but I’m sure we all can agree that too much aggression is never a good thing.
First of all, you need to be a particular kind of bottom to love aggressive tops. It is anal sex after all… some guys like it rough, but most don’t. Still, even the most powered of bottoms don’t like to be treated like a jackhammer day in and day out, so here’s what you gotta know:
Aggression is release. In other words whatever aggression coming out of the man you’re f*cking is actually a need for relief in some capacity. He might think he just likes it rough, but at the end of the night he needs to release some kind of stress, which isn’t a bad thing at all (everyone needs release, am I right?). But knowing this will help your communication moving forward.
One thing you need to ask yourself is: Where is the line for me? Figure out how much is too much aggression and why. What does he do that crosses the line of comfort—is it one particular thing, too much of one particular thing, or a lot of small different things?
Having an understanding of where the limits are for you should help you stop him before he gets too far. It’s a great thing for you just as much as it is for him because the last thing he wants (I’m sure) is for his boyfriend to be uncomfortable. Holding him accountable about when to stop creates awareness for both of you, which will guide you both to a middle ground.
Over-exaggerate your discomfort just to plant a small seed in his head. If he’s not an asshole, he’ll stop and ask if you’re okay. This is an opportunity for you to say, “I’m fine… just not so rough.” You won’t be hurting his feelings this way. On the contrary, he will care more about what he can do to better your feelings.
A relationship is meant to ripen and grow and expand into other kinds of expressions. It’s okay for you to talk to your man about it. If this is a new thing, be sure to check in and see if anything is bothering him—like I said, aggression is a release of suppression. Find out what’s suppressing him and you might be able to get a bit of sensuality back.
Sex should have many flavors other than vanilla, so don’t be afraid of a little aggression. In fact, some studies show that it’s those whom we love we tend to express aggression towards most. That should be a good thing, right?
Don’t worry. You’re not a prude nor are you boring at sex if you think your man is a bit too aggressive. Trust me, too much of anything is always going to be boring. Fix your sex life, honey. It’s easier said than done. All it requires is a bit of effort. The more you let it happen, the more you silence yourself, the more you give him control of everything, the less you will be satisfied. That ain’t good.