Great sex isn’t the same as chemistry.
The feeling of prepping yourself to break up with your BF only to arrive at his place seeing him fresh from the shower smelling great then deciding to stall until after the sex—I’ve been there more times than I care to discuss.
I’m not gonna lie and say that sex doesn’t have power over us. We’re men, of course it does. But really great sex, well, that’s a superpower.
You’re not truly satisfied with him (you think he’s boring, greedy, selfish, whatever it is), but when you’re lying in bed together—his soft warm lips traveling hitting those money spots, making your spine shiver and knees buckle—everything is put on hold. Is that ever a good thing?
Here’s what I know. Sex is short-term, but a relationship has long-term effects that often become planted in our psyche. We dig from this well when fishing for future boyfriends; in many cases we will use these memories to dictate our own self-worth. So when it comes to our futures, sex is not important, which ought to make it easy to sacrifice, right? Easier said than done.
Great sex isn’t the same as chemistry. Chemistry is emotionally and spiritually charged, but sex is psychologically and physically stimulated. You can have an amazing connection with a man in life but have bad sex in the bedroom. Similarly, you can have amazing sex with someone yet have next to zero connection in your relationship.
The reason why we get confused is because the world stops when we’re having great sex. We’re completely present—all our problems are gone for the time being and everything that exists is lying beside us. It’s like being in a trance, a zen-like state we try to visit over and over again. The trouble comes when we try to make life imitate that feeling.
Too often we want the relationship to be as good as the sex, so we’ll compensate for it. We’ll try and force it, but in the end you can’t fake chemistry.
By staying with your man just for the sex, you’re therefore defining the entire relationship as that. Everything else—your heart, your wellbeing, your dignity—takes a backseat. Your penis wins again (surprise, surprise). It all comes down to a choice: what is more important, your heart or your penis?
Believe me when I say you do not want to waste your time with a person who isn’t speaking to your heart. Relationships are partnerships with strings attached. A boyfriend is supposed to build you up, make you feel great about yourself, and let you know that he has your back 100%–so what if he gives a great blowjob, if he isn’t doing any of the rest, what’s the point?
Should you stay with your man because he’s great at sex? That’s like asking should you stay at the restaurant because the waiter is nice… at the end of the day, sex lasts as long as it lasts, but the long-term effects of a boyfriend continues on in your memory bank long after it’s over.
I’m all for good sex, but there comes a time when you need to stop thinking about your penis and start thinking about yourself. What is worth more to you?