How to Get Over BJ Anxiety

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gay guys bj anxiety

A friend of mine told me there is no such thing as “bad gay sex.” At first I didn’t know what he meant; later I realized he’s kind of half right.

If the guy gets off, does that mean it was good sex? Probably not—all it means is that you finished it. In all my years of having sex it’s never the penetration, the kissing, the rubbing or the humping that gave me anxiety (all that is mutually similar). It’s oral sex.

In my opinion bad sex is still going to be okay sex because it’s sex, but a bad blowjob? That’s something you’ll remember most. It can take you away from a moment real quick. It will have you pretending that it feels “so good” when really it feels like a wet poke. I talk from experience here.

I have to admit, it’s hard finding a gay guy with blowjob anxiety—not because we’re great at it, but because we think we’re great at it. I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve hooked up who claimed to be amazing at oral sex only to find out they were as boring as a bump on a pickle.

To fix blowjob anxiety you need to get to the root of the problem.

The problem is you want him to think you’re amazing. Trust me, honey, the second you stop trying to make it about him is the moment you realize you’re actually a god at blowing—you will know because he’ll make you aware: “Ooos” and “Ahhhs” and “Oh my gods” amuck.

You need to make it about you. You might think it’s selfish, but trust me, a lot of the pleasure he feels will be satisfaction knowing that you love doing it. When you get too technical about it or go half-ass, he’s going to think you’re not into it; that’s all he’ll be thinking about.

Be a porn star in your own head. Yes I get turned on knowing that my man loves it, yes I get turned on that a penis is in my mouth, but most of all I get turned on because I feel like God. I own what I do while I’m doing it—every curve, every stroke, every sensual rub. I fell like a porn star and it turns me on. As a result, I make him feel like a prize.

Giving a BJ isn’t something to be scared of. If you hate doing it because of the way it smells, feels, tastes etc. that’s not anxiety, honey. That’s something you need to tell your man about. At that point it’s not something you can control, and believe me when I say it’s nothing to be worried about.

Don’t be afraid to tell your man what he can change if it’s something that limits the experience. I’ve dated guys who thought it was okay for me to go down on them after they went to the gym—don’t get me wrong, there are lots of guys who enjoy the smell of a man after a long work out but I’m not one of them. At first I put up with it, but the BJs weren’t nearly as good as they could have been.

I had to sit him down one night to tell him, “Look. I love you, but I’m not giving you BJs anymore until you take a shower. Sorry.” You know what he did? He took a damn shower.

My point is BJ anxiety might have a lot to do with your fear of pleasing, but sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes your associations with it are tied with things your man can easily help.

At the end of the day I understand your plight, honey. We all want to be great at giving a BJ, but when push comes to shove we’re only scared because we want him to have a good time. What about you, baby? What about you?

Give a blowjob because you want to give a blowjob. You’re going to be as bad as you think you are in your head. Don’t judge yourself—look at a penis like a popsicle. It’s not dangerous. It candy, it’s yours, you own it. Get out of your head.

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