Have you heard of an orientation called Demisexuality?
I hadn’t either until about three days ago, so you’re forgiven. Last week, a friend of mine came out as demisexual. After finding out what it is, the term finally made sense.
UrbanDictionary defines demisexuality as a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction. It is an orientation that is not chosen.
In other words, their sexual appetite only appears when they fall in love.
Demisexuals aren’t suppressing sexual desire; it’s simply not there until a bond is formed. They can’t look at a stranger and think, “Wow I want to f*ck him”—while they might admire a person for his or her body, the urge to have sex isn’t there until an emotional attachment is formed. The deeper the bond, the hornier they are. It’s a simple matter of the heart leading the pelvis.
I’ve been in the gay dating for a long time and if there’s one common thread I see, it’s the constant wishing. We want Prince Charming to walk through the door and carry us away, but what we fail to understand is that Prince Charming is also looking for a Prince.
We distract ourselves through hookup apps and convince each other that casual sex doesn’t desensitize us from love, but the truth is it does—we don’t want it to but it does.
As a writer I’ve interviewed countless of single gay guys from around the country. By far most of them express a requirement for physical attraction, and admittedly it’s the thirst for visual/physical/sexual attraction that leads our hearts rather than the other way around.
Men will always be men—we’re visual and can’t help it. I’m not going to lie and say that sexual attraction isn’t important from the get-go. It is. But I can’t wonder how easier (or better) my life would be if I were demisexual.
It seems like single gay guys want to be demisexual. Their wishes and dreams often sound like the construct of demisexuality: “I wish I found a guy who doesn’t always think about sex,” “I want sex to mean something,” “Gay guys always want a hot body right now rather than taking time to fall in love.”
Do gay guys secretly want the life of a demisexual? It seems like the soul, mind and body of demisexuals are perfect solutions to a long-lived preconception some gay guys try to separate from: promiscuity, casual sex, 24/7 horniness.
We are who we are. I know I’m not a demisexual and that’s okay. I accept it. Sexual attraction is very real for me at first impression—demisexuals might never know what that’s like and that’s okay too.
But the idea of demisexuality seems to be the very wish gay guys often try to bestow on each other to no end; then they get angry if it doesn’t hold out. But they also can’t be surprised.
The answer is to find a happy medium.
A man whose pelvis leads his heart is as much in trouble as a man whose heart leads his pelvis. In this world, both will get us in trouble. Whatever the case may be, sex and love can exist on the same plane without interfering if you truly allow them to do their role. Be truthful with yourself.