Look at Me. Aren’t I Enough?

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gay guys self esteem dating love

Why must you laugh at me?

Am I not as worthy as you?

Human as you?

Deserving as you?

I dreamt the other night I was floating on a river of my own tears, and the tube on which I floated was called victory. Regret, shame, guilt, panic, anxiety, worry, assumptions, fear, disappointment, anger, sadness, betrayal, resentment, jealousy, anguish, pain and all that went with it, were liquid between my toes. And I was happy.

I was both God and creation entrapped as a singular vessel headed towards my own heaven. Everything around me became background noise amidst these new discoveries. Voices that once ruled my waking life were now behind me. Al that stood ahead was my own will to move. I had to give myself permission to enter. Who knew I could find such bliss inside a single thought? I am who I say I am.

We all have a dream for ourselves and it’s us who are the sole providers of that dream. The only thing separating us from what exists beyond the truth is what we’re focusing on. Not the physical, but rather what we feel. The things we see aren’t necessarily reality. You might be laughing my direction, but does that mean you’re laughing at me? You might roll your eyes, sigh, or stare at my shoes, does that mean you’re trying to hurt me? I used to think so.

Whatever you say is none of my business because we’re all entitled to have language. What you think is none of my business because we’re all entitled to have opinions. What you do is none of my business because we’re all entitled to make our own decisions. I wouldn’t want you to tell me how to think so why should I do the same for you…

It’s silly to pretend that we’re different. A human being is defined as one kind of species, one kind of race. The other things we use to separate us from another – race, prejudice, gender – are constructed to enforce entitlement. The truth of the matter is we’re not only in this world together, but collaboration is the only reason why the human species hasn’t gone extinct. Community is crucial for every civilization and we’re not excluded from that fact. We have built the tears we shed so we have the power to wipe them away and start anew.

Too often when we fall prey to the bullies in our lives, we say that our “world is spinning.” The truth is it’s not the world that’s spinning, but our thoughts. We’ve become comfortable thinking too many thoughts at once, fighting the truth with lies we’re being told or trying to find a peaceful state of mind to keep us balanced while we dodge hateful slurs. The only way to keep our world from spinning is to not look this way, that way, behind, up or down, but straight ahead. Just keep moving.

Everyone wants to know that someone understands them. We long to feel recognition that our life matters. We belong here because we’ve built the tracks that led us here. It was our hands that made these fields grow, ripen, flourish and provide shelter for our community. The people or things we place as high as God are, in fact, fractured. They intentionally hold us back in an effort to gain momentum and control our thoughts. Don’t let them.

We’re organic matter, just like plants. Another living thing the earth created to evolve itself. For us, the ultimate goal is freedom. The secret is we can either allow ourselves to be free or not, but at the end of the day we all should discover it’s us who are tightening the chains. It’s we who’ve kept ourselves from obtaining an incredibly personal experience only people who’ve managed to look inside themselves are able to grasp. Silence is a scary place, but it’s where all our answers live. Find it. I know I did.

I am enough because I say I am.

I am worthy because I know I am.

I am free because I allowed myself to be.