Dating in the gay community isn’t a bowl of cherries. With so many reasons for us to be picky, we tend to limit ourselves inside a box built by our fantasies. Finding a man worth our time is like finding a needle in a haystack. A sad truth however is that many of us give up the second we have a bad experience. Since there is so much communication these days, it’s easy to think life is better alone.
Unfortunately too many gay guys jump into relationships with unreal expectations. As someone who’s been dating for a while now, I speak from experience. The modern world has changed the rules of dating. Whether it’s for the better or worse is up to debate, but for gay guys especially there are plenty of unwritten arrangements everyone ought to know. Here are a few:
#1) Your standards are way too high. It’s nearly impossible to find a compatible man when you’re constantly comparing him to Prince Charming. But guess what, even Prince Charming has massive diarrhea when he eats too much Mexican. Get rid of the fantasy and start walking on earth – where we humans live.
#2) Reading too much into vague text messages will never end well. Phrases like “Wanna chill?” or “What are you up to?” or “Sup?” don’t always mean he’s thinking about you – most of the time he wants to hook up.
#3) Don’t be surprised if he has a Grindr. So many single gay guys are becoming addicted to Grindr that they find it hard to delete once they enter a relationship. It’s become a network of sorts and though he might be on it a couple times a week, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating (cough, cough). No. Of course not.
#4) First impressions are usually never what they seem. We’ve been schooled to show our best side when we meet someone new, especially potential men. We’re too scared to put ourselves out there, too afraid we’d be thought of as a fraud. It’s only when you’re in a real relationship you’ll be able to let your guard down. Sometimes a funny guy might end up being one of the most depressing guys you’ve met. Other times a quiet dude will end up being the most talkative person behind clothes doors. You never know until the relationship starts. All the assuming you do beforehand is just a hopeful guess.
#5) 99.9% of your relationships will end. It’s the .1% you’re looking for and you’ll never find him if you keep putting every guy on such a high pedestal. Not everyone you meet is “the one,” in fact, most of them are here to remind you of what not to look for…
#6) A second date will come if he finds you attractive. This is the sad truth. If not, you’re destined to try and keep him interested. After all you were the one who asked him out, not the other way around. Most relationships start this way – don’t worry. It’s all about revealing the layers, and that takes time.
#7) Never believe him when he says he didn’t receive your text or call. We’re all adults here. We know how phones work. The only reason why you believe him is because you’re in denial of the fact that he might not like you as much as you like him.
#8) Sometimes labels are a good thing. There’s nothing wrong with knowing yourself well enough to place an identity on your life. Whether you identify as bisexual, gay, queer or anything else, it might help to build a better bond with a potential partner.
#9) Open relationships should be chaperoned, unless fully agreed upon via the “arrangement.” There are plenty of gay guys who are in open relationships and that’s great, if it works. The definition of monogamy is so blurred these days. Some say it’s only emotional while others say it’s both emotional and physical. As much as we trust our partner when he’s out doing his thing, what’s most important is how we feel about ourselves. Open relationships requires you to be secure with yourself above all else.
#10) Stop trying to keep each other safe from temptation, it’ll only give you wrinkles. Social media and hookup apps have created new opportunities to cheat and fish for sex. Online sites have become more of a menu rather than a way to communicate with people – and it’s 24/7. If you think about it, temptation is everywhere. It’s pointless to obsess about it. There’s literally nothing you can do so you might as well have another swig of the boxed wine in your fridge.