My Big Gay World
Once upon a time there was a gay boy from Orange County who moved to Los Angeles. Growing up in a slightly white trash and close-minded family was not exactly a walk in the park. Due to the loss of his mother and lack of a father he was forced under the care of his aunt and his uncle. A direct quote to the boy from the harsh uncle was “If you are gay you are not a part of this family”. No sooner had the words left those uneducated cold-hearted lips did the boy know it was 100% true. He did not belong in this family, and it had very little to do with him being gay. One of the things he learned over the course of his first few years in Los Angeles and West Hollywood, a gay Mecca in the modern world, was that family was not determined by blood, but by bond.
Pan to three years since his departure from Nascar Fans and high school drop outs telling him being different made him unequal and here he was, sitting on his couch in his small Silverlake home writing his very first column for GayGuys.com.
Writing has always been a huge part of my life. Growing up gay and unaccepted made me resort to secret journals and Internet blogs to talk about issues and concerns that otherwise I had no outlet for. Now, living completely on my own in one of the most popular and gayest cities in the world, I am blessed to have an outlet like this.
Having broken free from the oppression of an anti-gay and homophobic culture I found my home in the accepting arms of Los Angeles. The total 180-degree turn my life had taken was surreal. I went from being called a faggot almost daily and having no gay friends to now, not even having enough straight friends to count on one hand and I honestly couldn’t tell you when the last time I was discriminated against for being gay. Trust me, the lack of gay bashing in my life is not something I take for granted. I managed to escape the hate and created my own world, my own big and gay world.
In my big and gay world I have recently been seeing a pattern with how gay men are in their relationships. We go from boy to boy, leaving behind no roots, no connection, and no object. During my last break up I remember the coldness of packing my stuff that had been at his house, tossing my toothbrush into my duffel bag and bitterly pulling my jock strap out of his underwear drawer. This relationship had been romantic and passionate and the sex was incredible but for various reasons we didn’t work out. Perhaps foolishly, I loved him enough to think it would be a love that would leave a dent in both of our lives. Yet, as I got my belongings together it was painful to notice the lack of imprint I left behind. It was as if we had never even been a couple. Like I had never slept in that bed or ate dinner at that table or had sex in almost every room of that house.
I left behind no trace of our love. No souvenir voluntarily abandoned. No proof that I was ever even there. All of this lack of connection got me to thinking: Are gay guys the new age relationship gypsies? We get into these relationships and hook ups that are so brisk and brief that after a while we forget we even had them. We are such an ‘in-the-moment’ culture that the idea of settling down just seems like settling for less.
In a gay driven city like West Hollywood the possibilities are so endless that dedicating to something long term is not only difficult, but borderline impossible. When did our culture become so nomadic with love? When we do invest in relationships we tend to grow bored or develop a hunger for something more. The only successful gay couples I know seem to always have an open door policy.
Threesomes, swingers, and open relationships are rapidly becoming the gay mans go-to for dating. Is our constant search for greener pastures doomed because we are just too fickle to water the grass that we have?
From the curious and painfully self aware mind of a gay boy on his way to being a man, thank you for your time.
[Image Courtesy of Killian Wells]